Wear The Heels, But Bring the Flats: Building Self-Confidence Through a Boudoir Photoshoot (Revisited)

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Music Vibes: Ready For Myself- Nelly Furtado

Doing a boudoir photoshoot with the right photographer—even if it’s just for yourself—is a huge self-love move. It was for me, at least. One of my biggest “Do It Anyway” power moves, especially after being with someone who tried to dismantle my self-worth piece by piece. This boudoir photoshoot self-confidence journey was about trusting myself, even when fear was louder than excitement.

I’ve been an anxiety-filled, nervous wreck lately because of this photoshoot. Even more so than usual. I knew the photographer through the BDL professional world, and we’d had many conversations where she constantly reassured me that it would be fine—that I’d have fun—and helped ease my nerves. She was absolutely right.

Still, my stomach was in knots. I was physically ill, barely eating because of the stress from the last “relationship,” and nothing calmed the anxiety for very long. My whole body was constantly tense, I still feel the aftereffects years later, but I felt it the most in my clenched jaw, so I didn't even feel like opening to feed myself.

Trauma is serious shit, babes.

Especially, since I am never high at my actual job (I'm loving being able to be high more regularly in this revisit), so the shoot was a lot of what I thought about. Life made it easy because the week before the shoot was busy work-wise & kept me distracted, in a good way. I am not one of those people who can do my particular job & be stoned (lies!) while still functioning & do an efficient job. I fricken love what I do professionally, but I hate the drama that can come with the high-stress environment at times.

I do not feel that (yet) at this job. I may feel overwhelmed at times, but only because I'm trying to prove that I deserve the job, even though I bombed the interview so badly, it was the worst interview I've ever had in my life! I told them, "I am glad you saw my work because I would not have gotten the job based on that interview." (I don't even remember what I did to bomb the interview, now, so clearly it wasn't life-altering. I loved this job & the people I worked with, the cook would even bring me food if he hadn't seen me eat yet. Unfortunately, even though I was in the healthcare industry, they still were not supportive of the appointments I had to go to to make myself physically & mentally healthy. This is a big reason why I didn't actively pursue my healthcare career.)

All of that played into why the shoot felt so big—because confidence hadn’t been a given for me lately. Jessie has one of the kindest hearts, but knows when to spot a bullshitter. I absolutely love that about her & it made me trust her to show her my vulnerable side & take my pictures. She was one of my first friends at my then-job (I hoped the job would be long-term—it wasn’t), and she accepted me without judgment, which had been hard for me to find at the time. I really enjoy getting to know her professionally & as a friend.

Yet, I wonder, why the hell did & do I give a fuck what people think? It sure as hell doesn't make me happy, doesn't keep me at peace, & doesn't bring up my confidence.

I knew that if I didn't have somebody to go with me, my anxiety would overwhelm & debilitate me. I would have chickened the fuck out, plus I needed a driver because I was definitely guna get a little (LOTTA) lit for the photoshoot, but not enough that I couldn't focus. I asked the one person who has been in most stages in my life...my besterestest, ND, & she has seen my body in pretty much every stage of my life & still loves me. She's seen the cuts, the stretchmarks, & what I used to think were flaws, inside and out, & still finds me beautiful. She's been through it all & still keeps me around.

I don't think they're my flaws anymore. They're my armor dents.

What caused them may have been a little setback, but not the end of the fucking world. The hard things that life gives us help us grow IF we take the right path & make the right decisions.

I didn't know how fucking proud of me ND was, until that day. ND, who holds a lot in, so it's hard to tell what she is thinking often, showed pride over MY accomplishments in her eyes. MINE. I'm a Beautiful Disaster Lit, but I fucking have so many people proud of the Beautiful Disaster that is ME. People who have seen me at my worst & people who barely know me are proud of me & I am just so grateful for the faith people have in me & will strive to be worthy of it always.

Take faith in yourself & the people that love you.

We ran a little late for the shoot because I looked at the time wrong, so when we walked in the door, I didn't even go to the dressing room, I took off my pants & we got to work. Sometimes I work best when I'm just thrown into a situation & I can't overthink it. I kept looking back at my shorty niece, who was smiling with pride, as well.... I had no idea this little Firecracker loved & looked up to me this much, but this beautiful, courageous, & blunt young woman had it showing in her pretty blue eyes, too. I've known her since she was just a sassy, sweet little girl, the only time she was the same height as Daughter, when I went to visit ND & met Les & kids for the first time. Little did I know how much they'd become family.

Knowing my niece LXI kicks ass at whatever she does—and that makeup is her thing—I asked her to do mine for the photoshoot. (She even started me doing the Halloween makeup tent for the scare maze.) I was going to do my own, & kinda wanted it professionally done, but didn't for some reason or another. I'm glad I didn't! I had so much fun throwing ideas back and forth with each other for a couple of weeks, & having her help me get ready the day of the shoot.

I put in as many workouts as I was willing for the photoshoot, but after consulting with my doctor, he was nodding his head, smiling behind the mask (This was during COVID times.), giving me suggestions that I'm already doing & have in my plan. He was happy to hear it, & likes my plan. I like my plan. I absolutely love my curves, but I want to be more toned & healthy. Even though I'm a fairly healthy person, I want to be able to hike Badger & still breathe the whole time. (Most Tri-Citians know of the hell of Badger Mountain.) I also wanted to not feel like I needed to send warning texts that I'm going to die every time I visit that hell, & just send them as a joke.

After finding out that I lost 20 lbs. after just 3 weeks of Diet Psycho, being too nervous to eat or be healthy, I wanted to keep it off! I also wanted to get closer to my goal weight & body type that I envision for myself.

I started by doing some sort of physical activity 45 minutes or more, with a friend once a week. I added 30-second planks five times a week, adding more time the next week, if I could. I think the longest plank I've done was almost two minutes & that was torture! #fuckplanks) Eventually, adding on jumping jacks, squats, weights, & crunches. Adding a little more to one thing each week, but also not being hard on myself if I skipped a day, & trying to make myself make it up when I did.

I kept myself honest by texting friends after I worked out—not to brag, but to stay honest with myself. I also had friends with their own health journeys, & we were holding each other accountable. (Revisiting this article years later, I am definitely NOT as hardcore, but I was using my workouts to escape my brain, the trauma, & lack of confidence in everything, which could be in a way unhealthy in itself. I do work on keeping physical activity in my life, but at a better pace, I listen to my body better & look at it more lovingly.)

Some people go hardcore all of the time & it works for them, not me! Slow & steady wins the race.

I am happy where I am at, & I still have more work to obtain my weight goals. Yet, I was able to look at the sneak peek pictures & be happy with my body, even though I was shaking like a leaf in a windstorm the whole time the camera was on me & I was surprised we didn't end up seeing my black heart on the floor because it was pounding with so much nervousness. I have more work to do, but since I've been sick & have had back pain, I've been taking it easy on myself.

(I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia the January after this photoshoot, so remembering the poses that I had contorted makes me even more proud, but it also made me adjust my workouts because I was making myself physically sick. Sometimes, when someone looks the way you think they should, they are at their absolute unhealthiest. Stop judging other people's bodies & stop looking at yours with the same unkind eyes.)

You know what? I don't feel guilty for taking it easy on myself lately. I still feel like I had a positive, fun, & productive day & I finished it with some confidence that came from the darkest depths of my soul. A good day was had, even if I spent a little more money than I expected at the mall. (Guys, I found a "Fuck" wallet, I HAD to get it.)So, although we ran late for the photoshoot, I inhaled my lunch because I made myself sick texting while ND was driving, & my niece's mini shoot was too damn cold, snot running down my nose, flying into the wind like the Beautiful, awkward goddess I am, the day was fantastic in my opinion. I felt empowered after doing something I was so scared to do. That photoshoot was the first of a few boudoir shoots I've done & I've loved the results, not just in the pictures, but also in my self-confidence.

Ladies, book the fucking shoot! You won't regret it.

What’s something you’ve been putting off because fear is louder than excitement? Do it anyway—and do it for you. Wear those fucking heels, the red lipstick, or the hoops. Book the damn shoot. Don't wear pants at night. Do whatever makes YOU feel sexy. They don't have to be what makes others feel sexy, just fucking make it a priority for yourself.

Thank you for showing up for this story—if it spoke to you, subscribe to Beautiful Disaster Lit so you don’t miss what’s coming next.

🖤💋💨