Do It Anyway: Breaking Free from Fear & Living Life to Its Fullest

Flavor of the Day: Oowee's Strawberry Gelato cartridge

Music Vibes: Fight Song- Rachel Platten

Living life as an anxious overthinker, I have been too worried about my outer appearance or how other people perceive me. I can admit that my vanity, at times, has more to do with being self-conscious than it does with being vain. I want my outward appearance to fully camouflage the fact that I don't have it together & I am a mess on the inside. Ironically, the days I wear the most makeup are probably the days I feel the ugliest, but I'm working on that. I'm working on reminding myself that I am enough, I am good enough, I am beautiful, & I am worthy. None of that has to do with my looks, & I'm done pretending I'm not a valuable person to have in life just because someone can't see my light. I hate that my anxiety is so debilitating sometimes that I feel like I cannot move past it, so I am always pushing myself to do things that I was too self-conscious to do, or that I was just plain scared to.

So what have I "done anyway" to push myself through fear & self-consciousness to help eliminate things that make me feel that way? How do I put my brave face on when all I want to do is hide in a hole & escape from the scary things life throws?

I've always had big feet & used to hate them. I wore shoes that were too small because I didn't want to admit they were bigger than I wanted. I would hide my feet because I didn't like how my toes looked. I still hate people, aside from my pedicure lady, touching my feet & I refuse to touch anyone else's. They're all hairy hobbit feet to me. Years ago, I made the decision to get a tattoo on my foot BECAUSE I didn't like my feet. Let me tell you, that was my most painful tattoo & I have a new appreciation for my feet. Tattoo or not, pedi or not, I am a lot less worried about my feet & even at times think they're cute. (Which is weird to me.) They're mine, I can't change them & I don't want to anymore. I'm learning to love all of my body, regardless of whether it's how I want to look or not. I am done hating my body & learning every day to love & appreciate her.

The same thing happened with my nose rings. (yes, plural) I grew up thinking I had a big nose, thinking I'd eventually want to get a nose job, not that I judge those who do, but that's not me. I don't need or want surgery to change the way I look right now. It may change in the future, but not now. Like Dad once reminded me, my nose is a piece of my family that I get to show off. What did I do instead of continuing to live life hating my face? I got two piercings in my nose & don't worry that it's bigger than I used to want, it's mine.

My face is beautiful the way it is, just as is yours.

A lot of my readers know me for my red lips, or RLF (red lip Friday), but they don't know the years that I refused to wear red lipstick because I thought my teeth would look yellow, or that "it wouldn't be the right shade of red." Who gives a fuck?! If you like it, wear it. That goes with clothes, makeup, & hairstyles. I absolutely love my red lips now & no, my teeth don't look as yellow as I thought. I now wear crop tops on occasion, even though I still have my belly. I will always have a belly & I'm going to start loving it. I have always been tall & in the past, I felt like an ogre next to my shorter friends. I have also dated men shorter than me & one didn't like me wearing heels because of that. Now, I don't give a fuck. I absolutely love my height & it's as much a part of me as my face & the body parts that I used to despise. Now I wear high heels, regardless of the company I am in, but I always have a backup set of flats for when my feet can't take it any longer.

Be kinder to yourself. Don't be too scared to push through the insecurities and wear the thing you want to wear. Don't be too self-conscious to style yourself the way YOU want to, even if someone doesn't get it. Don't be afraid to try the "look" & embrace your body right now & in whatever form it is in.

I wear my makeup, especially if I'm feeling down or self-conscious, but I've also started going makeup-free at least once a week at work, even when I am feeling insecure. You know what? Working at a job where I receive tips, one of my highest tip days at the shop was when I only donned my mascara. People may tip because of my looks, but they also tip me because of my personality & exceptional customer service. More people gravitate toward me as my authentic, flawed self, not the persona that I sometimes put on as my armor. I'm not always happy, I'm not as put together as I pretend to be, but that's what makes me human. I have to remind myself that a lot of the things I beat myself up over & have no control over, really have no relevance to my everyday life or working towards my goals & dreams.

Being brave & living life fully isn't always perceived outwardly, & you never know the emotional turmoil people go through on a daily. We all put on a brave face when inside we want to crumple up. This last September, I showed myself how brave I truly was, how I "did it anyway" when my whole body was screaming, "No!"

We all remember my crazy ex. Well, this past September, he had a trial for assaulting a friend of mine that I met through our shared abuser. She found me on social media after he attacked her. For two years, this incredible woman has fought for her justice & he has fought just as hard to avoid accountability. As the trial dates would be continuously pushed back due to HIM causing issues, we stayed in contact & she showed a strength that no survivor should have to.

The justice system is f*cked.

Finally, after over two years, the trial date was set, but he still had chances to play games not just with the woman he assaulted, but with the courts that repeatedly allowed it. Like the domestic violence advocate said, "Gross." I had told my friend that I would try to make it, but I was never able to plan on any of the previous dates, especially with the uncertainty of everything. Somehow, when the actual trial finally came, I was able to plan to go secretly. The months before trial, I limited my social media presence to memes & memories, not sharing details about my appearance or location until after I had already left. Very few people knew of my plans & I had my 3 core people who had my location at all times.

I won't lie, I don't pray AT ALL, but I prayed & prayed to not go on that trip alone, but I did. I was terrified that somehow I would cross paths with him outside the safety of the courthouse. A lot of things went wrong before/during that trip down, but there were signs everywhere saying, "You're going to be ok." Finally, the night that I arrived, I got to meet a woman I felt so connected with through our mutual monster. This trip made me realize I am no longer afraid of this coward, I will do what is necessary to protect myself & others from someone that the JUSTICE system continually fails to put away. This is 10+ years of this type of behavior from this individual. Long story short, he ended up videoing from his home hundreds of miles away, last minute, where he insincerely pled guilty & then ran for 2 months, being found on the East Coast. After being disgusted by what he was allowed, we left that courthouse to go on a hike to explore her beautiful town. (A hike that I may or may not have pushed her into, but I think it was good for both of us.) The next day, I went on the solo hike that I had planned before I even knew he wouldn't appear.

That solo hike was my own power move to myself. I pushed through my fear & even though I didn't wear the right shoes, I took those few hours to not only reflect, but to show myself how powerful I truly am. Nature is such a good, cheap therapist for me, and I vowed to do more things that I am too scared to do.

One other thing that I did this year to break out of my comfort zone was to volunteer for the second year for the scare maze makeup tent. Last year, I just did the base makeup look & didn't even work with blood because I didn't want to fuck it up. Knowing there was a need this year, I said, "Teach me," to someone who's been doing makeup pretty much her whole life. I had a teacher who was patient & took her time teaching me and allowing me to ask questions. She even let me practice on her & walked me through looks on myself to hone my latex skills. I can now proudly say I do it all, makeup tent-wise. I have a lot to learn & a lot of practice to continue growing my skills, but I am damn proud of how far I have come. This was an unexpectedly fun way for me to be creative. Do what you can to live life to its fullest & continue learning & expanding. Set the meeting, go to the class (especially if it's a free opportunity) if you see something that you're interested in trying. Behind another "Facebook friend" could be a coaching session that brings out your belief in yourself again. You never know what opportunities will come your way, & if you can, take the chance. There could be a whole new part of you that you discover.

Caring about your appearance is self-care in itself, but not being so wrapped up that it causes literal anxiety before you walk out the door for anything. Wear the lipstick, the heels, the crop top — and love the body you’re in. Take those brave steps and do it anyway. Live the life that fulfills you, go on the date, take yourself on the date, do something despite the fear, but learn to love yourself as a whole & everything you are & are working to be. Life is short. Don't be too scared or self-conscious to fully embrace the wonders, as well as the imperfections.

How have you "done it anyway" in looks or in life? How has it empowered you?

If this resonated with you, stick around — there’s more life, healing, and chaos to come. Thank you for being here with me on this messy, beautiful journey. I’d love for you to subscribe so we can keep walking this wild road together.

🖤💋💨