Without My Cookies, I’m Just A Monster: Finding Self-Worth Without a Mirror (Revisited)

Canna Flavor of the Day: Plume's Creamy Pushpop Hash Rosin

Music Vibes: Drive- The Cars

Guna brave our local torture chamber, Badger Mountain, with a dear friend tonight. It's not really a mountain, but it's a steep fuckin' hill that many gather around to willingly DIE.... A slow, excruciating death by… (seriously wtf are we thinking??)… climbing this steep ass hill, turn after turn, only to realize you’re not even close to the end—you’ve still got more UP to go! You keep thinking you're done & then look to the trail ahead & realize that you still have more to go to get to the top! (A great analogy of life's ever-changing terrain.)

But the view from the top, oh, the view. It's worth all of the blood, sweat, & tears. (Just don't get LIT AF at the top because the way down is the worst & the longest ever!! I made that mistake on one of my first Badger trips.) I mean, my friend & I are both beautiful, curvy gals, & I have NOT done much physical activity in a while, I'm going to have to take a million breaks. Cuss. Hydrate. Breathe. Repeat. Repeat a few more times. Continue the torture. A 1-2 hour climb turns into 3-5 hours, if I don't give up at mile 1.5. Sorry, VOR & girls!!

OM & I used to do this shit once a week, & I exercised four other times a week. I was the most fit I’d ever been, & I didn’t even know it. I was a buff bitch too—but I still felt fat, ugly, not good enough, & my self-esteem started slipping. Granted, I was Beautiful then, & I am Beautiful meow. (Super Troopers!! S/O to Broken Lizard who needs to make more hilarious movies!)

The truth is, beauty comes from the inside out—not the outside in. Finding self-worth didn’t come from what I saw in the mirror—it came from surviving the shit that tried to break me & realizing I was still standing anyway.

I didn’t know that, because I kept asking myself—if I’m a good person, why aren’t my relationships working? It must mean I’m ugly. So, I proved I could get a piece anytime, anywhere, & slowly lost myself sleeping around. Don't get me wrong, it was fun as hell 90% of the time, but at times, I did it for all of the wrong reasons, so it made me feel like shit. I never acknowledged that the rejection could be more about the guy & what he's going through than about me personally. And the truth is, even if it is about me personally, there are still people who love me & everything I am.

I do not need a man to validate me. I am not a slut for liking sex & sometimes multiple partners. I am not a good person because I look pretty—I am a good person because of how I act. I am not a bad person because I don't feel pretty. Just know we all are pretty/handsome, if we are good people. If I am not using sex to hurt somebody, then it's not a bad thing, it's actually good & IMO, HEALTHY. Most people I know get pissy if they don't get a regular fuck, myself included. So why not? (Funnily enough, in this re-write, my sex life is extremely lacking, but I am more confident because of it. I don't accept men who want sex from me without treating me the way I deserve.)

If you’re being honest with all parties involved—especially yourself—& you know when a boundary is being crossed, & you’re with someone who respects them, why not sleep with who you want? Be happy! Make sure you're mother fuckin' safe because there are assholes out there still that like to violate. Have Fun! Be smart about things.

Yes, I know what those of you who know me personally are thinking.... I have NOT been smart about things & I guarantee I am not done making dumb decisions. I will 'til the day I die. However, that's not the point; it's good advice, even if I don't always take my own. I do learn from my mistakes & try to grow from them, even if it takes me a couple of times to actually learn the lesson.

Today has been a whirlwind, good, bad, fantastic/exciting, & even shitty. I needed the long, arduous torture of Badger Mountain, but NOT the front side. Fuck those stairs! The back side that starts at the winery....Too bad there weren't wine bottles going up the mountain. Checkpoints for the brave!

I will let you all know, we made it 3/4 of the way & only turned around early because of a bad accident. I pray that the person & the onlookers are ok. My friend gave me the push that I needed up to that point.

I feel like I owe it to my readers to write about the shitty part of my day—but it’s still a very, very raw & open wound. Oh, you'll hear about the fantastic/exciting news soon enough! The shitty just makes me feel little & lose faith in a system that I have trusted for 30+ years. Finding out that the prosecuting attorney decided not to file charges against crazy ex for the 70+ times he broke the restraining order, threatened mine & my friends' lives, & came to my house again, after I had tried to get him to leave.

Why?! Due to INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? There are recordings & texts of threats. There are months of constant contact & violation AFTER being asked to stop multiple times, blocking many sources of contact, after the restraining order was filed & served. Proof of my workplace being called twice & someone trying to get me fired. Lies after lies, repeating the same shit over & over—me reporting everything, even though all I want to do is ignore it & move on… but I can’t. This psycho wouldn't let me. (It's six years later, & he literally still finds a way to make new profiles & contact me on a rare occasion. Another profile blocked.) I don't want this to continue, it's fucking abuse, I don't want any other person to go through what I've been put through & what I've seen those close to me go through.

Writing this, I start shaking—on the edge of a panic attack—because I remember the things I’ve tried to block out. I am triggered by a stupid lie by someone new & the response papers to each case saying that basically "we address the fact that you're a victim of a crime, but all of the facts you've given us are deemed unimportant because of lies this 24-year-old likes to tell." Clearly, that's not the exact wording, but that's how I felt reading them.

He's convincing too, so convincing that he believes his own lies. Kids, this is a crazy person—and if you meet someone like this, you need to run as far & as fast as you can, because they will make your life miserable for a long time. Even when they're not around, their poison & toxicity still seep over & infect, just like Hexxus in Fern Gully.

I'm at a loss & I am done wasting thoughts on someone not worth the air he breathes.

Survivors of abuse, I have to ask—how do you get your life back? How do you maintain some type of normalcy after the threat is no longer?

Just know, I am here for you—& if you need to send me a private message on Facebook, please do. I’m listening.

Until then, in true murderino fashion....

Stay Sexy, Don't Get Murdered

#myfavoritemurder #podcast

If this hit home for you, drop a comment below & share your experience, your strength, or even just where you’re at right now—you never know who needs to hear it. Thank you for being here & reading—if you haven’t already, make sure to subscribe so you never miss a post.

🖤💋💨