Don't Mismanage Your Time, Energy, or Vagina: Escaping Your Trauma (Revisited)

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I've been an absent writer, and today I'm on a roll, so I'm guna fucking just keep writing to make up for being distracted by psycho ex for so long. Some good distraction, some bad. I may publish right away, I may wait. It's been a tough week. You're seriously fucked up if you use anybody's fear against them facetiously, though.

DC has been an asshole, incessantly meowing early in the morning, before my alarm, judging me back in his spot on my bed. Its time to get all of our peace back and move on and do what I need to do for us to be happy again.

I can say that I've never been so observant of my surroundings, or scared of my own shadow, but I will not allow myself to be scared anymore. I'm pissed that I had my life disrupted negatively so much in three weeks. I'm hurt that things happened the way they did by someone who said they loved me. (Neither of us meant it in the 3 weeks.) I hated having to serve him restraining order papers when he was threatening suicide, but I needed to. I can't not. No more being backed into a fucking corner, feeling scared. I am documenting everything & covering my bases because I know a piece of paper won't stop anyone if they really want to get to someone.

Everything I tell people is the truth. I don't lie, but I'm scared there will be lies told to mess my life up in the worst way, like has been threatened. I've never had to depend on the system, but I've tried to have faith. I am not naive enough to forget that the system is broken and that idle threats may actually become my reality. I watch true crime and am very aware that sometimes justice isn't served until too late or never at all. I feel like the type of person I am dealing with has a distorted sense of reality, and the lies told may even be believed by the person telling them. That's how warped this fucking brain is. Granted, it may have been caused by previous trauma, but fucking get help when you need it! Stop using your trauma as an excuse to hurt people & be a terrible person. There is no reason to be unhappy. There are numerous resources for those not dealing with trauma well.

Have any of you gone through something similar? What's your advice? How long did it take you to get your old life back?

I would have never ever fathomed going through something like this. I wanted a guy that loved me, wanted me and only me, and obsessed over me. Be careful what you wish for! I do want all of those things but in a healthy & healed man, not someone who is obsessive in a crazy way. The thing is, I think this situation has less to do with me as a person and more about someone just trying to find their place.

Part of me doesn't even want to fucking write about any of this, but people in similar situations need to understand that they are not alone. I am usually a private person, but if I can somehow help someone else going through a similar situation, that trumps my complete privacy.

Yeah, I'm still guarded and still pick and choose what other people know about me.

I need to be a mystery, still.

Incognito. Whatever you wanna call it, haha.

I can't say that there wasn't good with psycho ex, one day I came home to a clean house and hugs and kisses, but even the clean house ended up being a trauma trigger after everything. I had someone fight for me that nobody else fought to keep me, calm me down when I was mad, or make me laugh when I was upset. (His charm was all part of his manipulation. He would talk sweet words, but not mean a thing he said. He would warp & manipulate a situation to make me question myself & make me feel like I was crazy. He's one hell of an actor. We had the most profound talks, fun road trips, & cuddles like crazy. I felt taken care of at first, which I hadn't felt in a long time. However, all of that doesn't mean shit when someone accuses you of stupid shit and threatens you in different ways, making you feel unsafe. My anxiety is at a high that I don't even want to admit.)

He only ever almost threatened me physically once when he was being a stupid drunk & I poured the whiskey that I bought, btw, into the fire. That's when he rushed at me to put his hand on my throat. The look in his eyes made me realize that it was too quick & easy for him to do something like that over something little. I know he saw the look in my eyes, showing I wasn't going to let that slide. TMI- I used to love being choked during sex, but after everything I dealt with because of this boy, I don't like aggression & I've had to relearn everything I do like. Mentally though, I'm so drained, and I cannot wait to get my happy back. I'm starting by taking a road trip to my favorite place and hopefully going shooting because I will start carrying now. I should have for a long time because I always travel alone, or just with Daughter.

I'm done with relationships for a while. I'm still broken, and I don't want to deal with unnecessary bullshit. (I still don't, but four years later, I am ready for a healthy, happy relationship, but how can I do that without the headache of dating?) Yeah, I'll date, but nothing serious. Yeah, I'll fuck, but right now, I don't even want to deal with that. (That's how badly I was affected by that whole situation with that person because I'm typically a pretty sexual person.) Yes, I'm shattered, but I'll be ok. I always am.

Self-love: Fucking getting out of a situation that isn't good for you is the best form of self-love. Be safe about leaving if that's the action you take. The first step is seeing that the situation has no benefit for you to stay & make a plan on how you will leave. When it comes to other people, they can be fucking good people and still find ways to fuck shit up and ruin your peace. DO NOT ALLOW IT!!! If they continually choose to be a bad person, they aren't choosing you. Every single one of us deserves to be in a non-toxic relationship. I am sorry to those where I was the reason toxicity came into their life.

Apologies: They mean nothing if nothing changes or it changes temporarily two days or two weeks later, & it's the same shit, different day. A lot of times, actions speak louder than words, but sometimes, you need the action with verbal affirmation.

I had to run away to my favorite place to help clear my mind. Curious, what's everyone's favorite place to visit? Where do you run to when you need to clear your head or when you're escaping your trauma? Mine has been the same place since I started driving. I hope it will continue to be the same place for many years to come.

So tell me what ya think. Give me ideas to write about. Share my shit, like my shit, and subscribe to my shit people!

🖤💋💨