Your Face Makes My 🐱 Dry: The Power of Removing Yourself From An Abusive Relationship (Revisited)

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When you're going through or healing from a toxic relationship, you tend to forget self-care, but it's imperative to show yourself some grace & love, especially during the hard times. If you ever need pampering on a tight budget, go get those $3 Freeman masks from Wal-Mart. I prefer peel-off, but they have charcoal, gel, clay, sheet, and many more. Do it with your best friend!!! One packet can do two faces in a crunch, but if you're like me, you want all of it! 5-10 minutes after putting them on a clean, dry face, you feel like you just came out of a spa and you're walking in stilettos upon a million bucks. (I say, as I look in the mirror, I see that I got all of the white clay mask off, except for my nose. Baywatch lifeguards, anyone??)

I am learning the hard way that red flags need to be taken seriously. Again. (When will I fucking learn?) I'm literally editing this article while getting nonstop calls and texts after a restraining/NO CONTACT order was served. I am documenting literally EVERYTHING and backing up as much evidence as I can until the hearing. (Send things to a friend if you need to so that they can back it up on a device away from your abuser. Keep yourself safe!) I am no longer scared, but if I ever feel that way, I will call LE. My friend M bought me a Taser & mace, which gave me assurance, even though I hope I never have to use it. After this, I feel like I'm honestly going to stay single for the rest of my fucking life. (Please, Goddess, no.) It may be a funny story to tell later, but right now, I am just emotionally drained and empty. If I lost everyone, I wouldn't care. (Which is a big, fat fucking lie, I need my people.)

I absolutely would care, a shit-ton, but I'm just so tired, and I shouldn't feel unsafe, especially in my own home. I've lost my peace, and it's my fault for letting someone manipulate me. It's his fault for threatening me and lying, but it's my fault I let it go so far. (Going through this article, 4 years later, I retract those statements. NO. It's not fuckin my fault that a terrible, abusive monster found me at my lowest & abused my vulnerability. He took advantage of a good person & although I should have made wiser decisions, I will not take any blame for a narcissistic piece of shit.)

EVERYONE, listen up! Get yourself out of any toxic situation as fast as possible & that is safe to do so. Don't let them isolate you from your friends and family & use the people you trust the most for guidance & support. You deserve happiness & a healthy, loving relationship, whether in a partner, family member, or friend.

With "he who shall not be named," I lost my motivation to write, mainly because I'd get constant questions every time I was on the phone. Even though I never did anything that was disloyal or dishonest, and we literally dated for THREE FRICKIN WEEKS! He had NO fucking reason not to trust me or to nag at me when I was trying to have a few minutes to myself, escaping from his constantly being there in my face. Bro, I only knew you for three weeks. I would get loud knocks on closed doors when I was trying to have some privacy (yes, even while taking a shit) and someone barging into any room I was in to disrupt any peace I had, even when Daughter & I were having a private conversation. I let someone stay who admittedly played mind games, pushed me past my breaking point, and tried to control me. I AM broken. (Nobody can control BDL for long. Nobody. This whole situation is proof that love, or the thought of it, isn't enough. You need mutual respect and communication. Do not allow anyone ever to be in your life that doesn't respect your peace.

No Sex is Good Enough To Deal with Bat Shit Crazy.

I did think I loved the psycho ex that you've read about, but that shows how lonely & broken I was. I won't lie; the good times were fun, but the bad times just bulldozed over all of the good times. I am not completely innocent, but nothing I did EVER warranted the anger eruption after THREE FUCKING WEEKS. Minor talks turned into blowouts and threats. I love my daughter, myself, and our peace far more than I will ever love a man. If you're reading this, I was not fucking joking when I told you if you ever threatened me with bullshit lies, I will be done.

Babes, if any of you are in a shit situation, I'm here. If any of you are sad, I'm here. People love you and want you around. Open your eyes and reach out to your people. We do care, but sometimes, we just suck at showing it, especially for those of us who have been hurt.

I hate that I allow BS to keep me from being as independent as I usually am. I hate anyone thinking my work ethic is less than it is. (Fuck you very much, trauma.) It seems like my job is always what suffers when I'm going through something mental. Maybe it's because my job is so mentally straining. We medical billing weirdos, whom we affectionately call ourselves, love it!! Not many people can be billing specialists and like (or, in my case, love) it.

Psycho has been texting & I only responded so he knows someone cares. (More of his manipulation & also not my responsibility. I should have been done when I originally said I was done.) I was pissed and mother fucking pissed that I was scared, but now my heart hurts because the fantasy that he showed me was unreal. We would have rare, deep conversations regularly. Conversations that are so rare that I can only think of a few people who have explored that deep in my black soul, but he used that information to throw in my face at any time he thought it would give him leverage or when he needed to feel better about himself. Get some fucking therapy & stop using & abusing people!

I cannot put myself and Daughter through the threats, the inconsistencies, & the tally-taking while he is doing so. Love is mother fucking unconditional. You don't love someone with demands and ultimatums. You don't fucking say, "If you love me, you'd do this." No fucking way, if you love a person, you care about them, you trust them, you talk to them, you learn their love language regardless!!! Not IF they do something for you!!!! Not BECAUSE they do something for you! You love them because of how they make you feel. You're safe with them, and they're safe with you. You love your people because of who you both are as human beings. They don't threaten suicide when things aren't going their way & use it to manipulate you because they know suicide is a touchy subject.

Again, if you're thinking about killing yourselves or you're in an abusive situation (mentally, physically, emotionally) fucking GET HELP. I'll post the National Suicide Hotline number below. If that's not your thing, reach out to someone who cares for you. If you don't think anyone cares for you, fucking shoot me a private message on my Facebook page, comment that you want to talk to me on my posts or blog, give me a way to reach out to YOU, and I will!!! I will talk as soon as possible and as long as I can until you are out of that mindset. I care (Care Bears!) But in all seriousness, if you're reading this and you are hurting, feeling down, thinking you need to die, reach out to someone who gets you out of that mentality & reminds you that you have something to live for.

Dudes, I know I'm sarcastic, yes a Beautiful Disaster Lit, but I do fucking care, and I'll make you laugh, I'll give you the most awkward hug of your life, I'll stfu and listen, whatever I need to do to get you out of a negative and unhealthy mind frame. If I can't, I'll find someone who can. I've got you! Give yourself grace and remove yourself from an abusive relationship as soon as you're able to. Be safe & allow your people to help you. Remember, you are not alone.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

800-273-8255

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