The Narcissist’s Smoke Screen: Recognizing Manipulative Behavior (Revisited)

Flavor of the Day: BlueCity Diesel by Raw.

Side note: This article was written during the shittiest "relationship", (if you can call it that since it was a total of 3 weeks.) There were so many red flags that I ignored because I was finally getting attention from someone who wanted to keep me around. Don't ignore abusive behavior or red flags because someone who's "your type" is showing you affection. Don't isolate yourself or even hide things from your people. If they know everything that's going on & still are warning you away, know that it's in a place of love. They see something that you may be too caught up in the moment to see. Just remember, if you're hiding something from the people you confide in most, then it's probably not the best situation. So... my last blog & the next few will be discussing this "relationship," the red flags I ignored, & advice I wish I had during this time. This is a whole other form of therapy & emotions coming back that I tried to forget, as I read & rewrite the articles. Here we go.

My blue-eyed man likes to get me weed with blue in his name, so I think of his blue eyes. He says forever, I say maybe. At this point, it's a battle of wills, and I'm clearly losing. Mother fucker doesn't take no for an answer or leave (he would literally never leave), & I'm caving out of exhaustion, maybe. Maybe I kinda like it. (I did like that someone was pursuing me & being dominant about it, but now I know that someone being that pushy about pursuing you & bending you to their will is toxic & abusive & it will only get worse. Dominance doesn't mean breaking someone down, it means lifting someone up so that they trust in you to provide the control & security they crave.) His brain works so much that mine doesn't have to. I'm done thinking, stressing, overthinking. Except, there are times it's annoying as fuck because he thought he knew it all. (This is bullshit. I'm a strong, smart woman, and I should always want to "think." I didn't want someone to think for me, and I wanted someone to help me make decisions, like a partner, & take control when things are too much, but not take every decision away from me.)

Back then, I watched him build literally an almost impossible fire, right in front of my eyes, as a lesson of faith. Granted, I should have more faith that things are going to work out, but it's hard to look past the things that didn't work out sometimes. My stoned ass in the chair, staring in disbelief after I had given up on that fire long before,  but Daughter and I didn't want to go inside because we love firepits. That fire lasted about five hours. I was utterly shocked. He also set up this mother fucking "30 Second Tent" that 4 adults and 1 teenager gave up on two weeks ago. I somehow drunkenly fucked shit up the first and only time I used it & put it together. He clearly showed me his persistence that day.

This guy wants to take the tent to LA Grande, OR, past Mt. Emily, where we got lost the first time and had to get towed. (Granted, he drove around MY car & got it stuck, yet I was the one who forked out the money for the tow bill when he wouldn't listen to me as I told him to turn MY car back.) It was still a fun adventure, minus losing $300! I have a feeling he's plotting something, and I'm scared. Good thing I work during the week, and we have plans for the next couple of weekends. (Work was a good escape from him, til it wasn't because he would start calling it if I didn't text or call him two minutes after the office closed. He keeps saying the M-word. Yes, marriage, it didn't even take a week. Come on, Ash, you know your life isn't a Disney movie. I say no, he says ours. (Talk about a fuck-ton of red flags. He wasn't entitled to anything of mine, yet he convinced me he was. I was the one working & paying bills & he didn't do anything & is still abusing, manipulating, & using one girl after the next because the justice system is fucked. Why I didn't run after the first red flag shows how broken & lonely I was.)

Watching TV sometimes gave me a few minutes of peace from him. Pour me a glass of red blend, hand me a joint & sit back with me as we watch Dead to Me together. I'm munchin' on butter popcorn with chili powder. (That and nacho cheese are my favorite popcorn topping, not together.) I may watch too much TV, I want to travel, be active, & meet a ton of people, but damn, this show is fucking hilarious; you never know when it's going to get normal because it never does... the plot thickens every minute!!! 💀

"Just tell me what to do here because you're the nice one, and I'm the shitty one, so tell me how I can do something nice for you? Because you're scaring me a little."

Daughter always spoils me when it comes to Mother's Day, & I love it, especially the cards that Daughter gets me. Her handwritten note of, "PS- I love you more than most, more than most, more than most, times infinity no takebacks." makes my day. This is our quote that we made up from the first time we watched Tangled together. Our bond is a treasure to me; she's my gem & I'll put that above anything and her above anyone. I have to be strong for her. (Not very many people know that this particular Mother's Day was ruined by psycho ex. As we drove Daughter to meet her dad, the ex freaked out because I was on my phone in the passenger seat, while he was driving my car. He blasted the music unnecessarily loud to get my attention & then sharply turned the wheel into the other lane to get my attention. Luckily, no oncoming traffic was coming. He freaked out, but I later found out that he was the one talking to other girls, which is a whole different story. He kept blaming me & refusing to give me the keys to my car or my phone. Daughter was in the back seat crying, shakily handing me her phone to call 911. I've never been in any situation like this, and I didn't think it was warranted to call, so I didn't. (It was.) I gave him another one of a million chances after. He refused to even get out of my car because he knew I'd probably leave his crazy ass on the side of the road, so he finally crawled from the driver's seat to the passenger seat. After I dropped off Daughter, he did what he always did: apologize & sweet talk, trying to entrap me by getting me to admit to lies, as he secretly recorded me. Something he does still, last I heard.

I'm trying to practice what I preach and not live in the past unless it's positive, but sometimes reliving the past is necessary so that you can learn from it & heal. Don't ever let someone twist your truth.

Thank you so much for reading; remember to pay attention to those red flags. Don't brush them aside because you're lonely or you think you need love & companionship. Stay vigilant & make sure you're recognizing manipulative behavior. Being in a relationship with the wrong person can be the loneliest feeling in the world, especially if they're a narcissist. They know how to make you feel at your lowest. Make sure you listen to your gut & the people who know you the best.

🖤💋💨