Lonely Roads and Luminous Moments: A Journey of Finding Light In The Loneliness (Revisited)

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 Somebody, please take my credit card from me. I am not responsible enough to have money in card form, especially when I try using it to cope lol. I usually love the holidays, but I'm also always anxiously awaiting their passing. Seasonal depression is a thing for me every year. I have been feeling a bit lonely lately. (It's worse now that Daughter is out of the house & it's literally just me & my pets.) It's another reason why my ass stays lit because if I am, I don't miss having someone there by my side helping pick a movie, smoking outside, going for a walk, or just lying in bed talking, as much. (I know this isn't the healthiest way to cope, but sometimes when you've coped all of the healthy ways, you need to allow yourself to cope unhealthily for a little bit. In 2026, I still smoke frequently, but I don't use it to cope all of the time. I have found other healthy ways to get through things.) I feel it especially when surrounded by couples, and even though the thought of a relationship terrifies me at times, sometimes I just want someone to be there.  (I have the worst man-picker, as we all know, but I'm no longer terrified; I trust my instincts more now in the revisit.) This is why I distance myself from my couple friends at times, even if I adore all of them. It sucks feeling like a Third Wheel, even if they do nothing to make me feel like it. That is why I love my girls' nights. I feel like it's healthy for women & men to have occasional time with their friends without their partners.

I guarantee that loneliness & depression are sometimes at fault when I get myself in shit situations. (This is why in 2024 & 2026 in the second revisit, I am being more mindful of my decisions, & not seeking out men until I get to know them better. Can we talk restraining order & phone number change? We remember the psycho, right? RIGHT?!) I don't have anyone to talk to about my day consistently, & unfortunately, in the past, the men who did talk to me about my day consistently weren't the right fit, or I would fight for someone to just see me.

Sometimes, after spending a day with friends, I still feel I have a missing piece and wish I had someone to share it with me or help calm the anxiety in me. I wish I had a partner to get me up and out, but also stay in with me, cuddled on the couch, watching movies. (Revisiting this article in 2024, I still love the thought of having someone, but I am more focused on loving my time with myself & the people I do have instead of what I am missing.)(However, in the 2026 revisit, I find myself happy with the people I have, but at the end of the day, I still have nobody to come home to. Sometimes, even the asshole cat doesn't cut it.) I know I am not the only one in this position, but sometimes it is fucking exhausting doing everything by myself & I do a BDL pity party, but get up, dust myself off, & I'm telling life to swing again. I will always find the best of a bad situation, even if I bitch about it first.

Sometimes the hardest part of walking lonely roads is remembering that even in the quietest moments, we are still capable of finding light in loneliness.

I will say one thing: Daughter has been ensuring the house is clean by the time I get home from work. It is so appreciated & definitely makes my day brighter. My mood shifts with a cleaner house, even if I am too tired to show it. I shouldn't be. That's how you lose relationships—being consistently too tired to fucking show up & put in the effort, or making excuse after excuse instead of doing the work. Everyone needs to be in an environment they strive in & want to continue to strive in, professionally, personally, & spiritually, especially at home. To me, coming home to a clean house & my bed made is such a great feeling.

 Ever since I was little, I've dreamt of packing up my car, driving to an unknown destination & disappearing. Disappearing to a place so open I can always see the sunsets in the distance & if by some chance I am awake early enough, the sunrises too; a place where I can look at the night sky and see stars. Start a new life, refresh, and just begin it with a clean slate, with nobody knowing where I am at any point in time unless I tell them. Just packing up & leaving. When I was young, I hated living in an angry household. I hated that I couldn't be a kid. I hated the school I was in & never really fit in. I hated the town with NOTHING and constantly felt like I was misplaced. An outsider looking in...the story of my life, really. I fell into depression. I started cutting at 13 & still struggle with that temptation on a rare occasion. (Thankfully, in 2026, I rarely see that ugly temptation.) Feeling physical pain was better than feeling mental and emotional pain. There had been times I've cried, just praying for it all to end. I have spent many days thinking the world would be a better place without me in it.

I'm a fucking dumbass. The world needs me & the love that I give, & there are people who genuinely want me in their lives because I provide some sort of positivity.

This is why it’s crucial to seek help before you reach that breaking point—do what it takes to truly live and find happiness. People do care. Sometimes they just suck at showing it. Sometimes we are too fucking needy for them to show it. (Jk, not needy, but sometimes what we need or want is beyond their capabilities at the time.) We need to learn how we all show love in our own unique ways. However, if a single one of us left this life, we would have someone who mourns the loss. There's always someone in the dark back seats, just eyeing you from afar, but being inspired by you & cheering you on. Seeing things that you had no clue people saw in you.

 I fondly think of the time I was doing kickboxing once a week with LYD. One of those dreaded times, we were running & as always, when I run, I was dying!! (That's why I don't.) Sweaty as fucking hell, curvy girl running, watch out. So I am just in tunnel vision to the water coolers, needing cool refreshment. My turn came up, & I poured water & gulped it as fast as possible. A small girl, about 8 or 9 years old, was at the one next to it, facing me. I smile at her, dying 8000 deaths & secretly grimacing inside from the workout, & she looks at me and sincerely says, "You're so pretty."

WTH?! My sweaty, stinky ass wanted to hug her so bad. I felt like Queen of the world. I've surprisingly been on the receiving end of that random compliment more than I ever expected. I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think that strangers see my beauty enough to say something until they do. Usually, I am in my own world when I am out in public, trying to pretend through the social anxiety.

There will always be someone who sees your inner beauty more than you do; they will always recognize how it radiates to the surface.

And sometimes, those people are the same ones who quietly support the things you pour your heart into.

Speaking of commitments, my blog might be my biggest commitment yet. I cannot thank my supporters enough, and I hope that someday, I can show my gratitude to every single one of you! (We reached six years this February 2026!) Those who read and give feedback, those who nominated me for awards, those who have similar goals & aspirations but are further along than I am, so they act like mentors, those who do my dirty work when I'm on a FB hiatus, those who are 100% behind me, no matter what my crazy ass gets myself into, & those who love me, whether I know it, or not. I couldn't have been motivated to collaborate with other writers, write more frequently, get merch, & travel more without any of you, and I appreciate you all.

When I first wrote this article, it was all about the views, but now, I just want whoever needs my blog to find it, so thank you to all who have supported my dream to this point & who will continue in the future. It's ok to feel alone, it's ok to have a little pity party, as long as you don't miss the people who ARE there for you presently. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to find our own light—whether it’s through the people we love, the passions we chase, or the moments of quiet strength we build for ourselves. I’m learning to carry my unique light, and I hope my words help you carry yours, too.

Tell me below: what’s one small moment lately that reminded you your light is still there—even on the lonely days?

Thank you for being here & walking this road with me. If you want more reflections like this, subscribe so you don’t miss the next one.

Until Next Time.

🖤💋💨