The Return of BDL: Epic Awesomeness is Back!

Hello all you wonderful Beautiful Disaster Lit readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've missed you all so much! Are you as excited as I am with the return of BDL and the fabulous Ash Rae?! Epic awesomeness is back in the house! It's gonna be legit! WOOT!

I thought the first order of business would be to update everyone on my current haps and creative journey whatnots. 2023 & 2024 were the worst of my life, but 2025 was off the hook good and now everything is looking rosy! FUCKING FINALLY!

As a refresher and for the newbies in the back of the room wondering what this Willow person is all about, here are the highlights.

I was divorced after a 30-year marriage in August 2023. All the fallout that could possibly happened happened, as these things do, and I was a complete wreck.

I found a job in October 2023, but was fired in February 2024 because I "didn't fit in with their culture." TLDR type of situation, so I'll spare you that drama. Then, I started an accounting business, which failed miserably. I got a good job in June 2024 that I still have, so that's been a blessing.

At the same time I started the business, I was also in a toxic relationship that almost killed me. Friends D & M saved me. No joke. For a good cry, look back at some of my previous blog posts here:

https://www.beautifuldisasterlit.com/blog/categories/willows-whispers

Also in February 2024, I met my current partner, although we were extremely casual at first. I was a wreck at the time anyway, not anywhere near ready for a relationship, so he just supported me and loved on me. We became more serious in September 2024, and moved in together in June 2025. It surprises me every day how well we get along. I am beyond blessed to have him in my life. We are happily living the RV dream in NE Oregon with our doofus of a dog Remi, also known as Sir Remington of Barksville Manor when we're feeling fancy.

I stopped drinking on January 25th, 2025. Getting close to a year! That 100% needed to happen. It's been a rocky road, but worth it. Trust and believe that topic will be the subject of a future BLD article.

My son married the love of his life in May 2025, so now I have another daughter to love and do things with. She is the perfect peanut butter to his jelly, and I couldn't be happier for them!

My third grandkiddo was born in Aug 2025 also! Now I have three beautiful little lives to pour my heart and soul into. They are 7, almost 4 and 5 months. <3

During the last two and a half years, I found it hard to be creative. All my creativity prior to my divorce was an escape. Life SUCKED, and the only way I could make sense of it was to write and make music. Then when the proverbial s*** really hit the fan in 2023, it was too much. I wrote very little music, my main source of creativity prior to, and what creative writing I did was super dark. The one thing that I felt was good was my blogging for BDL. It was how I processed all the junk, distracted myself when it was too much, and gave back to others who might be going through similar situations. I can honestly say BDL helped save my life. LOVE YOU ASH!

So now that my life is relatively "normal", (if that can even happen!), I've been getting nudges from the universe to get back into writing. Ash popped back up. My friend T, who has been a supporter of my writing for years, offered to help me self-publish my poems. Ideas for BDL articles are lining up like Deadheads at a Dead Show. I literally found the BEST journal, which may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but you writer types will understand. It was time.

But as I was getting organized to write, I felt like I was missing something. It felt like I was missing the spark I had before. All the writing came easily prior to 2023 because it had to. It's what kept me alive. Now that I was alive and well with no urgent sense of impending doom and gloom and death, I sat and stared at the screen or page and nothing came.

And then came the analysis, also known as a self-beat-down. You all know what I mean. Maybe I only wrote because I was in pain. Maybe I wasn't really a talented writer. Maybe I can't be creative if my life is going well. Maybe the universe is just fucking with me because we all know it feels like the universe does that sometimes. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Goddamn it, Universe! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???

And we all know the answer. The universe wants me to get over myself and write. I may not write for the reasons I did before, but that doesn't mean I am not good at it or I shouldn't do it. Writing will just have fresh inspiration and an updated process now, an evolution in the creativity cycle. And that's a good thing, albeit a frustrating thing as I adjust.

I am excited to see what all this means, how it will all shake out, what will be born from all this newness. It's like waiting for Christmas morning or my birthday party. Will I get what I am expecting? Probably sometimes, but I bet not always, and that's the fun part. I am just letting go and letting the universe guide my fingers through this crazy, wonderful, and beautiful process.

I wrote the quote from Howard Thurman below on my chalkboard the other day. I love the little octopus hooks that seem to be giving the finger to the world. They give zero fucks. That's how it should be. That's how we come alive, by listening to our hearts, and doing what they whisper to our souls.

What makes you come alive?

I am beyond excited to be taking this journey with all of you! Look for new articles from me every 2nd and 4th Thursdays of the month at 6:25 pm. Feel free to message me if you want to suggest an idea for an article, ask a question, or just shoot the breeze. We are all in this together, and BDL is a great resource for community and support. Let's do this BDLers!