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'What is Your Why': Dealing with Addiction

This article is a continuation of the thoughts from my previous article. You can catch up here:


It's been a year and some change since I wrote the article about my backiversary, and I forgot to talk about one very important point. Well, that's not true. I avoided talking about it. Subconsciously on purpose forgot probably. Omitting something isn't lying, but it is denial. And De Nile was a very cozy river I was floating along on, that's for sure. Getting off the floaties and into the deep, murky, asp-infested waters now, though. I need to talk about my drinking issues.


With everything going on in my life since my accident, I couldn't cope properly. So I did the only thing that made sense. I drank. Not the best solution, but it was all I could come up with. I had zero support from my spouse. In fact, he encouraged me to partake. My friend group disappeared. My family often wouldn't come by because my spouse was an asshole to everyone important to me because they threatened his narcissistic rule of law. So yeah, I drank. A lot. Not proud of it.


And when I did, these were usually my thoughts:


negative self talk

You should know better, Willow.

You're smarter than this, Willow.

Why can't you do better, Willow?

God, you're stupid, Willow!

There's no hope, Willow.

You are better than this, Willow.

Fuck, you are such a loser, Willow.

No one will notice you're gone, Willow.

Just give up, Willow.


I have gone round and round about how to write this article. It started out with details: how much, how often, when, etc. But none of that matters. All I come back to are thoughts like the above. Even now, a little over a year after my last drink, I cannot get these thoughts out of my head when I think about my past drinking habits. I feel SO STUPID that I let myself get to those places, think those thoughts. I know logically none of that is true, but that's how it feels, 100%.


I have also fought hard, tooth and nail, She-Ra style, against typing the word addiction. I've taken the word 'addiction' out of the title of this article at least 54,753 times. But no other word works. As a writer, I have to use the most accurate word. Addiction is the correct word, no matter how hard I kick and scream and cry and blubber about it.


I had a counselor tell me not to stop drinking. Seems counterintuitive, yes? His point wasn't that drinking was okay and that I should keep doing it. His point was 'why'? Figure out why you drink like you do, work on fixing that, and the drinking will abate on its own. He said it could take years and most likely I will have to hit the rock bottom of hell before I am ready to make a change, but the 'why' is really the all-important thing.


I summarized some of my 'why' in my previous article. It explains a lot, but not everything. I had zero self-esteem. Being beaten down by a narcissist for years will do that to you. And all the emotions from the fallout from my accident were overwhelming, to say the least. Goddamn fucking emotions! I know they are just messengers. They point to what the issue is. They are not the issue themselves, but boy, howdy! When terrible emotions are all you have, it's hard to look at things from a distance, logically and critically, with the goal of bettering yourself. Near impossible to look passed the pain to what needs to happen, let alone do something about it.


But that's what I had to do. I had to put in the work; had to deal with those thoughts of inadequacy; had to deal with my emotions, which no Aquarian EVER wants to do willingly.


After my divorce, I went to work. Well, kinda. Like my counselor said, I had to hit the rock bottom of hell before I would change my behavior. I still drank a lot. It just felt like I just got better at it. Smarter, maybe? Like I had it under control. Which means, of course, I didn't, and was just convincing myself I could handle it.


Things really come to a head when things started getting serious with my now Partner R in the fall of 2024. That freaked me THE FUCK OUT. I was terrified that I would get hurt again. Petrified that he would screw me over. Scared to death that it would go wrong and it would kill me. And specifically that I would be the one to mess things up because I was the broken one. I was the problem, the issue, because that's what I'd been told and felt for the majority of my life. So my drinking ramped up to compensate.



have or hell

Y'all, I was afraid to reach the 'cushy top of heaven' as opposed to the rock bottom of hell. I was afraid of a wonderful thing! Actual love and respect, because I didn't think I deserved it. How ridiculous is that!


On January 25th, 2025, Partner R and I had an incident. Not going into details, but know that my drinking was the catalyst for an almost deal-breaker situation. I knew I had to do something drastic, or I would lose him. So I did. I stopped drinking and I haven't had a drink since.


Has it been easy? Fuck no. I've had to relearn literally everything about myself. Who am I? Who am I without alcohol? Will I like myself sober? Will others like me sober? How do I interact with people sober? Ad nauseam lessons on self-discovery. It's been exhausting.





And the biggie: how do I deal with emotions now? I used to hide from my emotions, but I can't anymore. Those bastards are everywhere! But I try really hard to figure out where a particular emotion is stemming from before I freak out. Do I succeed everything time? Nope. Finding the root of the issue, with a clear head, hasn't been easy, but I'm getting better at it.


On January 25th, 2026, Partner R and I were reflecting on my one year as a non-drinker, and he said something profound. The convo went something like this:


I said, "I wasn't sure I would like who I was without it."


R said, "I like you better."


That hit HARD, in two ways. My first thought hurt like hell, and was "Holy shit, was I that bad, annoying, terrible, etc. before I stopped drinking?" But then my second thought soothed, and was "Holy shit, someone likes sober me. I must be likeable, loveable, worthy, etc. as a non-drinker." Getting teary-eyed just think about it. He's literally the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time. <3


Alright, babes, that is well enough. I am SPENT. Dealing with addiction is hard, hard work, but I can tell you it's worth it. I feel better physically, save so much money, and tackling this crazy thing called life is much easier with a clear head. If you think you have a problem, 'what is your why' is the most important question to ask yourself, and then get to work.


If you think you need help, even if there is just the tiniest of questions tickling you in the back of your brain about it, talk to someone. I've listed several resources below, and message me if you need to talk, find a starting point, or just need a friend.


You are worth it.



1. Professional Teletherapy Platforms

  • Talkspace: Online therapy and psychiatry that accepts many insurance plans.

  • BetterHelp: The largest global network of licensed therapists.

  • Monument: Specialized online medical treatment and therapy for changing your relationship with alcohol.


2. Virtual Peer Support Groups


3. Local AA and NA Meeting Finder


4. Recovery & Sobriety Apps

  • I Am Sober: A popular tracker and community app available on iOS and Android.

  • SoberTool: An app providing immediate coping techniques based on your current feelings or triggers.

  • Pear reSET: Information on FDA-cleared digital therapeutics (requires a clinician's prescription).


5. Crisis & Immediate Support




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