The Green Monster: My New Relationship with Jealousy

An interesting phenomenon started happening to me over the summer. Something brand new I wasn't expecting or prepared to handle. Something so weird, so out of character for me, that it confused the snot out of me. Still does. I got jealous.

I have never been a jealous person. Really don't care if you have a Mercedes and while I drive a beat-up Toyota. I care very little about clothes and brands and houses and just about anything that most people find very important. To me, there is no time to worry about all that junk. Life is too short to chase anything but love, happiness, positive experiences, and contentment. I would rather die knowing I lived my life to the fullest, not chasing money, status, or things.

#hippieatheart

What I got jealous of was not a thing, but a person, or rather a relationship. My partner R's ex still had a small foothold in his life. He was still on her phone plan; just never got around to switching to his own after they broke up over two years ago. We needed to get our service sorted out, and he was hoping she would work with him to get his number released. He ended up getting a new phone number. C'est la vie.

Side Bar: I will not write or comment about this or any situation R had with his ex(es). Relationships end. They are in the past and should be left there for everyone's sake. This article will be purely to explore my personal relationship with my new friend, the Green Monster.

So, this phone situation bothered me. I thought about it a lot and got irked whenever it came to mind. Since I didn't recognize the feeling as jealousy at first, I thought I was just losing my mind. Then, I had an epiphany while driving to the grocery store one day. I have no idea how it came to me, but POOF! The answer appeared in my mind. I was jealous.

Like I said in the beginning, this emotion confuses the snot out of me. So much so that as I tried to understand it and deal with it, I realized I had no frame of reference for it personally. All I know about relationship jealousy is what I've read in books, watched on TV or movies, or seen in the relationships of the people around me. I was definitely not going to be 'Real Housewives' jealous. I would never in a million years show up at her place or call her and bitch her out. Those types of people drive me crazy. There's no point in being nasty to anyone in these situations. None. But I needed to tame the Green Monster. My new relationship with jealousy was distracting me at work, keeping me up at night, and annoying the snot out of me.

Any good Aquarian knows what I did next. I researched. I asked my new BFF, Gemini, why my new relationship with jealousy was distracting me at work, keeping me up at night, and annoying the bejesus out of me.

Of course, it makes perfect sense to ask an emotionless, programmed, computer-generated search engine how to deal with my very human emotions. Why do you ask?

While Gemini was very pedestrian in answering my queries, a couple of points jumped out at me.

Thought One:

An ex represents a version of your partner that you didn't get to know. It is easy to feel like you are competing with a pre-established legacy or a deep-rooted comfort level that you are still building.

This is so. damn. true. I will never know that version of R, while she does. She knows things about R I may never know, and they've shared things R and I never will. How do I deal with these feelings? With gratitude, by being grateful he had someone so special in his life when he needed it and even though it didn't work out for them, there was a reason they were together when and how they were. I will probably never know those reasons, but c'est la fucking vie. If we knew everything we needed to know, our brains would probably explode on the sidewalk in overload. The universe tells us what we need to know, and more often doesn't tell us what we want to know. We need to accept that truth, hard as it may be.

Thought Two:

You might worry that you are just a replacement rather than a unique choice.

I know we've all felt this one, inadequacy, a.k.a the comparison game. EVERY woman has done this, and if any woman says she hasn't, she is a liar liar pants on fire. Every woman has compared herself to another, be it super model, famous singer, the next-door neighbor, the other woman, the new wife. Whoever it is doesn't really matter, but we've all said to ourselves, "Well, naturally she's better than me, she's X, Y, and Z, and does A, B, and C so much better than I do."

Oh, how I wish we didn't beat ourselves up so! I know logically that I am a wonderful person, a great, fun, and exciting partner, and an overall standup human being. So why??? WHY do I compare myself to her, to any woman for that matter? Easy. I am insecure, not about my relationship with R, but with myself as a woman. Exes tend to be 'benchmarks', standards we need to equal, or better yet exceed, to sate our insecurities. Insecurities that are not based in fact or reality whatsoever, I might add. Each and every one of us is unique, awesome, and beautiful in our own ways. So what a ridiculous, fucking waste of time! If I added up all the time and money I've wasted in my life comparing myself to other women, I could easily take a year-long around-the-world, all-expenses paid vacation! Twice probably!

Thought Three:

Remember that your partner is with you not because you are a sequel, but because you are a brand-new story.

Ahhhhh, thanks, Gemini! That's exactly what I needed to hear towards the end of my meanderings through Green Monster territory! R and I are a brand-new story. One that I am excited to read and write and explore every single day! <3

So, there you have it. My new relationship with jealousy, conquered. Well, probably not conquered, conquered, but at least tamed down to a dull roar. Since slogging through all this last summer, I have been better able to recognize the Green Monster when it rears its ugly head. The sticky wicket now is reacting to those feelings responsibly. Will I do so every time? Hardly. The new version of the Green Monster tends to be of the 'territorial' variety, so that's been fun to figure out. But I am getting there, one green scale peeled away and dumped into the fire at a time.

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