Social Etiquette: My Chronic Case of Foot in Mouth

If you've had a conversation or two with me, you know I can be blunt, sarcastic, fiery, and often have the mouth of a sailor. Conversely, I can be witty, charming, have an above-average vocabulary, and can find a pun or play-on-words in almost anything. I wish there were a happy medium, but I tend to violently swing either one way or the other. shrug

There is nothing wrong with either side of my conversational personalities. There's a time and place for either sassy Willow or savvy Willow. The problem is which one you will receive is often a toss-up. (Good luck to you, my friends!) Most of the time I am pretty good at communicating correctly. MOST of the time. But when I screw up, I screw up in epic and profound ways. This often gives whoever I'm talking to the wrong idea about me. They expect me, as a 50-something woman in Western society, to act and converse in a certain way. When I don't, it often leads to judgement and misunderstandings about who I am and what I'm all about.

This came up most recently at my partner's company Christmas party. For privacy, I am not going to give much detail about what actually happened. In short:

1. My partner asked me to be careful about what I said around X, namely, no swearing.

2. I swore, and I swore big!, around X. It was only one word, but let's just say Ralphie and I would both be enjoying a bar of Lifebuoy together if I were a character in A Christmas Story.

3. I felt AWFUL. You only had to do one thing. One thing. ONE THING WILLOW. Was it really that hard!? UGH

   
   

So why do I do this? Why does my chronic case of foot in mouth disease rear its ugly head so very often? Several reasons come to mind. Not saying these are excuses. Just a dive into 'why' I often can't keep my big mouth shut sometimes.

Habit. It truly is a habit of mine. I swear a lot — to myself, with my partner, at my dog because he's a big doofus, with my coworkers, with certain family members, with friends, with select strangers in line at the store, at drivers who drive five miles under the speed limit in the far left lane on the highway. Grrr… (I will say, I am good at not swearing around children, though.) It just comes naturally. It's part of my DNA, in my blood, part of my everyday vernacular.

Also, I tend to have less of a filter when I'm nervous. And I was super nervous at this party. I had only met X once briefly, and was desperate to make a good impression. My mind just doesn't keep up with my mouth. When I am nervous or mad or sad, I cannot think well on my feet and most of the time say the wrong thing. Everyone who has been in a verbal fight with me knows they will 'win' because my mind just goes blank or says whatever the f*** it wants. It's super frustrating.

Perhaps I have PTSD from having to go to business functions with my ex and 100% acting out a part that was not me in any way, shape, or form. For years, I was dragged to fundraisers, business dinners, and the like and told very plainly what to do and not do, what to say and not to say. And when I didn't comply, boy howdy, did it get ugly. I never want that feeling again. Ever. Perhaps my subconscious was rebelling against that possible feeling. Just let me know next time, Subconscious! GEEZ

And when I would go to these business events, I would usually drink. It was a buffer. But now I don't drink (which is a VERY good thing, trust me), so maybe I don't know how to act correctly without it? At least not in all social situations. Not yet, at least. I am most certainly relearning who I am and how to be myself in most social situations without it. It's a slog for sure. UGH

To me, there is nothing wrong with swearing. It's part of who I am, and being told not to be myself goes against every fiber of my Aquarian soul. On the flip side, I know that swearing isn't everyone's cup of tea and is considered offensive to a lot of people. Maybe I'm offended when people DON'T swear when it is entirely called for and appropriate. Did you ever think of that? No one ever thinks of it that way! I say indulge your inner sailor when appropriate, people!

Like everything in life, it comes down to balance. How do I balance being myself with what is expected and normal in social interactions? I probably could have gotten away with a well-placed swear word or two with X if it hadn't been the second time I had met him officially. I had known X for all of five minutes at my swearing point, for crying out loud! Had X gotten a chance to know me, he'd have figured out soon enough that my swearing isn't meant to be offensive or off-putting. It just happens, and mostly in delightful, appropriate, humorous ways.

At the same time, we can't and shouldn't have to change ourselves to make others happy. Some people swear, some people don't. WHO F****** CARES. Value systems vary, and we shouldn't force our values onto others because we feel ours are more right than theirs. That always works out so well, doesn't it, said no society ever that's experienced religious, political, financial, environmental, cultural, or sexual unrest.

And is it me or are a lot of social etiquette standards put on us by certain people/groups ridiculously high and unattainable? People are fallible. People make mistakes, misread or don't understand a situation, or just plain let an f-bomb fly out of habit like I did. That doesn't mean we're less than anyone else. We just communicate differently, and for that I am eternally grateful. Imaging how boring conversations would be without adjectives, adverbs, exclamations, and a sassy vocabulary. F*** that!

This is not permission to go on a swearing frenzy, rather an invitation to take a look at your communication style. Be yourself first and foremost, while keeping in the back of your mind that not everyone has the same values you do, you may not be everyone's cup of tea, and there is a time and a place, and NOT a time and place sometimes, for everything. Whatever you say, make it your own. And if you f*** up, own it and apologize. Your voice, after all, is all you've got in the end. Make your words count.

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