You Wanted Me Until I Started Loving Myself: The Year I Choose Me

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Let's talk New Year resolutions. I know it's late, but life has been crazy lately, & honestly, I wrote a little, but I didn't think it was good enough to publish. Since the New Year, I've been considering what my "resolutions" should be. Although I never really have set resolutions, each year I reflect on the previous year & things I could do the next year to evolve. Trying to be the best version of yourself is exhausting, especially when you've avoided holding yourself accountable for so long. So, in my previous years, I've had goals like patience, releasing self-doubt, being kinder, setting boundaries & sticking to them, all things that I continually work on to better myself. Still, this year as I contemplated, & reflected, I recognized how incredibly hard I am on myself. (People tell me all of the time.) It's just the little girl in me wanting to be good enough & loved for who I am.

So during the journey to find my confidence in 2025 (never-ending, I imagine,) I will work on being kinder to myself, allowing myself the errors & mistakes that are no sweat when others make them, but I seem to put myself on the chopping block when I do. I will start loving myself enough to know when I'm around quality people who not only want the best for themselves but want the best for me & cheer me on just as much as I do them. I will have the confidence to choose to be alone over being with someone unappreciative of what I bring to the table. I'm not saying I'm flawless, I still am & will always be a Beautiful Disaster Lit, but flaws & all, I am still worth loving & if I really truly believe that, then I need to be the first one to start showing myself the love that I crave. Yes, I fucking hate always being alone, but I'm working on taking myself on more adventures & appreciating each new day.

A few years ago, I went through something that left me broken & shattered, or so I thought. If you're a regular reader, you remember psycho ex. After recovering from the whiplash of the whirlwind of dating an insane person, I was seeing a guy who said & did things to help me gain my confidence back, but the second that I started loving myself again & showing him the effort he showed me, he acted as if it wasn't based off his actions, as if I wasn't giving what he gave me. I started seeing how little he did to keep me around & how he would sit on his phone ignoring me while he looked at other girls' pictures. Looking back, I hate that I begged men who didn't want or deserve my attention, & they treated me as such, just because I was lonely. You know what? How they treated me is on them, but what I accepted is on me. I'm no longer accepting the bare minimum & until I can find someone who sees me & wants me & everything about me around, I will be in a relationship with myself. Caring for myself the way I wish so many people would.

I realize now that men who loved the broken version of me, but not the healed version are their own type of toxic.

New year, new resolutions, & I start with gaining confidence & self-esteem, talking to myself kinder, thinking before speaking(always a trial for me), but also believing the good that I know is in me. Yes, I'm going to still self-reflect, but I will not dissect every single action or word trying to find out what I've said or done wrong. I know I'm a kind, loving, genuine person. I know that not everyone will want that & I'm ok with that. I know that I will never intentionally hurt someone that doesn't deserve it. I know that I try to hold myself accountable. I will not gaslight myself & only remember the bad things, ignoring my core character, what makes me who I am. The woman who sometimes loves too much, sometimes not enough, but will try to always be there for people.

Yes, I'm there for others, but I need to work on showing up for myself. Part of that is being kinder to myself especially when I make mistakes, I need to own up to mistakes I make, & I need to finally fucking start seeing myself in a more positive light, not digging just to find something wrong. I'm no longer settling for those who can't help me see the beauty of me when I forget. I'm no longer wasting time on men who would rather spend time with the broken, unhealed, boundaryless me, than the happy, healed, loving me. I know that I can bring a special energy into the world when I am my best self, I know that others usually like being around me, & I try to make every single person feel like they're a million bucks. I'm done telling myself I deserve anything less than the love & effort I not only give the men that I'm interested in, but my friends, family, & strangers as well.

Don't let anybody else be the basis of how confident you are, rock the red lips, wear the hooker hoops, or go to town without any makeup & love yourself in whatever form you show up in. Be your own greatest love story, so that when real, genuine love comes around you can accept that you deserve it. Don't spend extra energy on those who won't put time or effort into you.

How will you show up for yourself this year?

I end this article with gratitude for all my readers, new & old, the ones who never gave up on me, & the ones who seek out my writing, asking if they see a lull. Never forget how incredible you are. Join me because 2025 is the year I'm choosing me.

🖤💋💨