Christmas Memories: A Visit to Christmas Pasts (Revisited)

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As Christmas is rapidly approaching, I remember many before this one, and I reminisce about waking up early Christmas morning to a slew of Santa presents under the Christmas tree, trying to beat my little brother to all the gifts, even though we still had to impatiently wait for our parents to open them. Santa—who, behind the hat, was really two hard-working parents doing the best they could to give their kids the best Christmas every single year. Kids who didn't always appreciate their love or their hard work of putting all of the wrapped joy under that decorated pine tree & filling the stockings that were our favorite part of the gift opening. Stockings that usually held the socks my brother and I raced to open first, just so we could be the first to slip on a brand-new pair of cozy socks. Our family had a rule, we took turns opening one gift each. Sometimes we would start youngest to oldest, sometimes oldest to youngest. It is a tradition that we still continue during family Christmases because in our family, it is just as fun opening a gift as it is seeing your gift being opened.

Every year, the fire dept. Dad worked at would sell Christmas trees, so we were blessed to have a real one every year, as I grew up. As an adult, I couldn't always afford a real tree, & the fake one my parents gave us one year has been loved year after year in Daughter & my tiny home, fitting perfectly where space is already at a premium. (We finally had to get rid of our beloved tree last year.) I miss having a real Christmas tree at times, but I don't miss the mess or having to remember to water the damn thing. I literally have a black thumb; if I look at a plant wrong, it dries up and shrivels into nothingness out of pure spite.

I remember one year our woodstove had been staged as if Santa got caught in our fireplace, a chunk of his coat stuck in the door & one of my presents tucked in the ash inside. I always tried staying up, hoping to catch Santa, but the one year I heard a jingle bell inside the house, I was too scared to move to peek. After what felt like forever, I finally woke my parents—who laughed at my fear.... which I would too, who the fuck would be scared of SANTA?! Santa Ash, you were afraid to meet the real Santa. (Well, what I thought was the real Santa) Ok, moving on.

Between a Christmas that someone decided to video, we were all sick & let's just say it was a disaster, to my brother and me talking our parents into opening one gift early, we grew up with many great Christmas memories. I loved it when we would drive around, looking at Christmas lights; they continue to keep me in awe. I loved that there was even a special Santa font that, when I became Santa to Daughter, I continued to use it.

When I no longer believed in Santa, I was recruited to help wrap presents & place them under the tree. I felt like the head elf, trusted with keeping the secret from my little brother, glowing in the delight of knowing something he didn't. I worked just as hard as my parents in helping keep his Christmas magic continuing through the years until he no longer believed. He & Daughter both stopped believing at a later age than I did, basking in the magic of Christmas and everything wonderful about it. I also liked knowing what other people got before they did, and I still do. It’s the big kid in me—and I don’t think she’s going anywhere.

As an adult, I made my own Christmas traditions with Daughter. We do matching PJs, Hallmark/Christmas movies aplenty, and open presents all December long, so I can continue to keep the magic going for just that much longer. I like to make the joy last all month because December can be the darkest for those of us who live with seasonal depression. To be honest, Daughter and I are also terrible at giving gifts, one of the many traits I passed on to her. We both get so excited about the gifts we get for each other that sometimes they don't even get wrapped, which I am ok with. I’m the gift-bag Queen anyway—reused, mismatched, and proud. I reuse them and try to put whatever present, birthday, or Christmas, in a gift bag. VOR & I occasionally have a couple of bags in rotation, sometimes getting a gift in a bag that we recognize.

One Christmas, the whole family was able to spend it at Grammy & Grampy's & I had so much fun being at my favorite place, spending time with my favorite cousins, (at the time) BRN & LYD. That year, all of the grandkids got lottery tickets & packaged, flavored hot cocoa. The lottery tickets were a huge hit! I believe only one of us actually won money; it's too long ago to remember the fine details, but that was one of my favorite Christmases as a kid. I remember BRN & I making hot cocoa in travel mugs so that we could go on walks, & ended up finding places to explore before we went back to enjoy whatever other presents we got. Apparently, there was a miscommunication & for a short moment, we thought the house was getting robbed when it was only another set of Santas trying to be sneaky about bringing in presents. We were girls; they should have expected that we were still up giggling and talking.

Every year, we got flavored hot chocolate mixes that I looked forward to. A small, but simple delicacy to me, where I began to expect it. One year, I didn't get any hot chocolate mix, (for those who don’t know, hot chocolate is my favorite winter drink—I even had a hot chocolate maker once. It recently died, and yes, I’m still grieving.) and I was bummed as heck! The next year, I asked for hot chocolate on my list and I got enough to last me months! I savored it to the last drop.

I no longer have those huge Christmases and sometimes I miss them. Nowadays, it's usually Daughter & I celebrating in our matching Christmas PJs & opening the minuscule amount of presents that made it to Christmas and I love it. Occasionally, we get invited to join LYD or ND & I love that just as much, but I love being able to celebrate just the two of us, in our home & being able to spend one of my favorite holidays together with my favorite person. (Now that Daughter is graduated & moved out, I am excited to see the new ways that we celebrate the holidays, but she demands the matching pjs every year, so those will continue on.)

With the loss of Grampy this year, (It was in 2019, but some days it still feels brand new. Grief isn’t linear, unfortunately.) it's going to be a sad Christmas for my family, but we will also all be hopefully making new joyous memories to keep close to our hearts.

The holidays look different for all of us as time passes. If you’re willing, share a holiday memory that still lives rent-free in your heart. Let’s trade stories & hold space for both the joy and the grief.

Thank you for spending a piece of your holiday season here with me. Your time, your presence, & your willingness to read my words mean more than I can put into sentences. If you’d like to stay connected & be notified when new pieces go live, I’d love for you to subscribe & keep walking this journey with me.

🖤💋💨