The Dorito Goddess Is Looking Down On Me: Appreciating The Little Things (Revisited)

Canna Flavor of the Day: Wicked's Jerry Berry's Hash joints.

Music Vibes: Stupid by Tate McRae

So this week has been a different one — starting training to be a sexual assault advocate & hearing tough stories, attending a hearing for a brave young lady & her mother, dealing with fibro pain (which is pretty consistent now), & Daughter & I binge-watching the final season of Lucifer. I've made sure to have the house packed with snacks in the hopes of keeping both of us vampires content. I had purchased the boxes of mixed snack-sized chips, & we have, of course, been slowly eating them. I mean, duh — chips are the best! I was surprised we held as much restraint as we did. A lot of people knew at that time that I was a HUGE Dorito fan. I like nacho cheese, ranch, & spicy nacho cheese best, but I swear the nacho cheese ones have crack in them, so they're usually the first to be eaten. For a short period, it seemed like every bag I opened was loaded with the bad-for-you, orange, nacho cheese flavor on each chip. I mentally thanked whoever was in charge of that because nowadays, it seems like they skimp on the flavoring.

Throughout the week, I would aggressively dig through the box, finally finding that red bag (I stress-eat, ok?), thinking "Yes, Doritos!!!" But also, "Damn, it's the last bag." Only to gloriously scramble through a few more times, finding another "last bag" the next time I go in the box of wonders. It was the Mary Poppins bag of chip boxes with seemingly never-ending Doritos — a fat kid's dream.

Thinking about this made me realize how much I appreciate the little things — & how I'm still a big kid when it comes to gift-giving & receiving, if we're being honest. I am finally learning to love & appreciate the person that I am. I'm glad I get ecstatic over a small bag of chips.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that healing sometimes looks like slowing down & appreciating the little things right in front of me.

I tell myself that I need to stop going into things with expectations or stop expecting things of people without clearly setting those expectations. Why can't I go through life like I go through that box of miscellaneous chips? I specifically wanted the Doritos — not the Fritos or Cheetos. Yes, I'm working on communicating my boundaries while standing my ground, but also enjoying the little things more, being happy with what I have now. I realize that somewhere, sometime, I lost who I was. I wasn't my own priority. I worried about everyone else, instead of just enjoying the moment or what made me happy.

I wanted to know what they thought of me. I wanted to make sure they were ok, & I would make myself ill worrying when I'd have an event to go to. I never stayed long, making sure I wasn't the one who overstayed. Now, I'm the last to leave at times, annoyingly so.

In my 20s, I was focused on myself & Daughter, but I slowly started allowing more people to disrespect & disregard me. I was more worried about how I looked as a parent than just enjoying being a parent & letting Daughter enjoy being a kid. In dating, I was expecting the world, & they gave me a rock; sometimes they also gave others that ugly-ass rock. I had friends who would stab me in the back at the first chance they got. I'm no longer wasting time arguing, fighting to be seen, or explaining myself to close-minded people. I'll get my point across, & that's it. If someone doesn't want to have an open conversation or add value in some way, then I'm wasting my time. Some people were never my Doritos — I just kept digging anyway.

The right people will meet your needs, & the wrong people won't even try. There are friendships that I've gained, going in with no expectations, & now they're some of my closest people. The most fun I've had while dating was when I had no cares, no plans, just did my own thing, but also enjoyed the other person when they were around. In a sense, I've always had a small part of me that didn't care what other people thought, but I also wanted to be loved & wanted to come home to somebody, not planning to settle, but settling anyway & ignoring all of the red flags.

I'm taking my time now. I yearn to learn (hey, look it rhymes!) about people & their culture, backgrounds, spirituality, & beliefs, but I also know that there are people who willingly have a block, & no matter what I say or do, I won't reach them. I'm no longer trying to be the one who fixes a guy or builds up their confidence for the next girl. There are myriads of people needing some care & love. I cannot focus on the negativity from others any longer.

That's ok because I am not meant to.

Just like the last Dorito bag, the people I am meant to reach will be there (yeah, I'm turning a bag of Doritos into a life lesson), the ones meant to enjoy the little moments with me will be there. I am working on being the person who enjoys more of those fleeting moments that put a smile on my face.

So expect nothing, but be appreciative & enjoy the little things.

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