Eating Ice Cream & Watching Rom-Coms In My Panties: Letting Go of My Own Judgment (Revisited)

Flavor of the Day: Seattle's Private Reserve Angel's Wedding Cake (Great indica smoke.) @seattles.privatereserve3

SO last week, I wrote about other's judgment (if you need a refresher, check it out at https://www.beautifuldisasterlit.com/post/i-m-done-beating-myself-up-over-what-i-m-not-breaking-free-from-the-judgment-of-others-revisited ) but what about my own? How do I react when I'm feeling judgmental? Whoa. Epiphany time. I know I have a good heart, but damn & sometimes, when I first meet people, I'm one of the most judgmental people I know. I have been wondering why I am the way I am a lot lately. I've been trying to better the good characteristics and learn from and correct the bad.

One of the (many) bad is I am a fucking judgmental asshole when I first meet someone in certain situations. I am one of the most flawed people I know, what is wrong with me?! I'm so hard on myself. Why do I need to be hard on others? The past week, I've been mentally berating myself for how judgmental my thoughts are when I first meet someone. I am NO ONE to judge, but I've been a self-righteous twat. Then I had a light bulb....💡

My judgment is my armor.

I jump to find flaws in people, so I can justify myself not getting close to them. That's how I can keep my guard up and not allow someone in because so many people I've gotten close to have left in one way or another, so many have hurt me for no reason, and so many have fucking used things that I confided in them with, against me.

Fuckin' Assholes

Just like with men, you can't judge everybody based on someone else, Ash.

One of my words is patience. I'm learning more and more what that means, from teaching Daughter to drive, to landing my dream career (which I'm still working on) to finding my dream man, and now I'm realizing it's for more things. I'm learning to let the Universe bring me what I'm destined for because it will on its own time, not mine. That's definitely taking patience, but I also need to be patient with getting to know someone before I pass judgment. Give it time. I know I despise when I feel like someone incorrectly assumes who I am or things I do or don't do.

That girl talks funny, but you know what, she'll fucking do anything to make you smile. That guy may have stupid hair, but he's a gentleman, one of the very few. Her teeth might not be straight, but she's Beautiful inside and out. That person might look like they're an asshole, but they'd give you the shirt off their back. That smart-ass might be annoying, but they'll quietly listen to you for hours if needed. (That smartass is me, FYI.) That woman who cusses in every sentence & a body covered in tattoos (also me btw) will be there whenever a friend is in need & will be the listening ear to life's downfalls just as much as they will celebrate your victories.

I always sit back and silently observe people when I first meet them, but in my head, I'm ticking off everything I think they're doing wrong, giving myself reasons not to get too close.

We all know I'm on a journey of self discovery and working to be the absolute best version I can be on a daily basis, so I am working to sit back, observe, and PASS NO JUDGEMENT. I feel the end result of not hiding myself behind judgmental eyes will be a good one. (It's in 2024 & sometimes I still catch myself making assumptions; however, I have also genuinely connected with many people without making assumptions about their character until I observe them for a little bit.)

Yes, I have been hurt by so many people, but I can't have the good if I don't open myself up to it. I can't build relationships when I keep my thick fortress wall sealed. You never know what someone can bring to your life and what you can bring to someone else's life.

All we can do is do good and be good.

Fuck the shitheads, cut ties, heal, and keep the genuine, loving people in your life.

It doesn't mean be best friends with all of the good people, (that shit is exhausting) but be honest, communicate, & be smart. Make sure people leave a conversation with you feeling good and better about themselves & if you have an asshole or hangry moment & lash out, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes without being too critical, but work to correct those mistakes when you can.

I clearly don't know everything, but I've made enough mistakes to know enough. So, if you're being a judgemental cunt like me, stop it! If we all work to make this planet a better one, then maybe our kids and our descendants will be able to have less of the harsh lessons that we had. Maybe one day, there will be no evil, sadness, or hatred.

I know it's a looooooong shot. Who knows if I am right or wrong, but I just want to live my best life, being my best me, so that when I leave this Earth, I'll have made it a little better than it was when I came into it.

Yes, it's the dream of a lifetime, but what's it hurt trying?

  Thank you all so much for reading and supporting. I appreciate you reading my brainchild, the blog, and giving me the courage to continue to write.

🖤💋💨