Just Because You Don't Appreciate Someone or Something, Doesn't Mean Someone Else Won't

Flavor of the Day: Shorty, another homegrown delight.

Music Vibes: Shot in the Dark by Within Temptation

This post isn't going to go where you think it is, maybe it will. It's about giving and also knowing that there will always be people who just love your energy. 'Tis the season for giving, even though it should be all year round. I know I have a giving heart because I am very giving towards my family & friends, especially. I may not always be able to give much, but I'll give what I have & help when I can. However, I haven't been as giving as I could be towards strangers & I realize that it's partly because I have a guard up most days. I'm working on that.

To let love in, you need to be open to all forms of love.

The other day, my unemployed ass was tired of just doing nothing, watching the countless Christmas movies that I've been watching since before Halloween. Let's be real, in this household, both holidays are all year round. I wanted to be productive, so I tromped my pj-covered ass to the shed to get the Christmas tree, thinking about either surprising Daughter when she got home from school with a decorated house or making her decorate with me that night. I open the shed & see bags and bags of clothes & miscellaneous items set aside for donation. Lesson learned, take donation bags within a week of filling! I try to do a "Monthly Guidance" tarot spread that usually happens in the middle of the month. My November spread pulled the 6 of Coins (Reversed) for the question "What energy should I release this month?" This card told me it was a time of good fortune & I could be charitable. I think the same pretty much every holiday, I think I need to give back more to the community, but I never do because I tossed it aside with anxiety & excuses. Since that card, I've been opening my eyes to all of my blessings & how I could give back.

This year, I wanted to be different than before & do something. So, one day I made a crock-pot full of bean soup, with sausage rounds in it, as well as some brownies with cookie crumble on top. I made everything intending to help the homeless. Ask anyone who knows me, I rarely cook, let alone try & get fancy. I had it all set up in my mind; I was going to make Daughter help me hand out warm food & some extra blankets that we had. As thoughtful as that gesture was, everything seemed to keep me from that particular action. The beans didn't finish cooking until late that night & I was already exhausted. "That's ok!" I thought, "I'll just do it tomorrow." I let Daughter know, even though she had plans. I just wanted her to set aside a few hours with me to do that. Well, her plans lasted longer than anticipated & I wanted her to enjoy her day. She does so much to help me out & can use getting out of the house occasionally. (Like I'm one to talk, I do everything I can to fully hibernate in the winter.) The next day, I was "over" the giving mood & my mindset just wasn't right & I dreaded going out to "people." (Social anxiety is a real thing, especially after my psycho ex. Trauma is no joke; it affects you years down the road & without any warning or anything specific to trigger it.)

So, warm bean soup & brownies didn't happen & ended up being thrown away. Every time I looked at the crock pot in the fridge or the brownies on the stove, I was sick with guilt & shame that I couldn't do this one simple task. I see so many others doing so much for the community & helping their neighbor. I kept in the front of my head that I wanted to help. I wanted to do something for once. I just didn't know what until I opened that cluttered & disorganized shed.

Our dog watched me in amazement, not sure what the heck to do with mom's erratic behavior. I threw every single one of those bags out of the shed, hulked them through the front door, & threw them on the living room floor. Knowing that if something is right in front of my face, it annoys me until I can't ignore it any longer, unlike if it's thrown in the shed for years. I put on a cheesy Christmas movie & went through every bag one by one, putting things in some sort of order. I had a pile of warm clothes, socks, a couple of jackets, some beanies, & a scarf to put with the blankets for the homeless. I had a shit-ton of clothes that Daughter either outgrew or didn't want any longer. I had a few miscellaneous piles, as well.

As I tackled the bags one by one, folding clothes and sectioning out things in "categories," I did it with intention. I prayed to bless people with everything I planned to give away. I even had a ginormous bag to just donate to Goodwill because I didn't want to deal with every single thing. I posted on FB, advertising "Free, Must Pick Up." and letting people know they had to take everything in the specific pictures. I just wanted it gone. I shit you not; within an hour, everything I posted was claimed & I even reached out to a FB group to try to deliver the stuff for the homeless. I was proud that I chose to be productive that day & it paid off in so many ways.

I scrambled, dealing with getting everything to the "right" people & meetup times scheduled. Thankfully, even the pile for the unhoused was going to be picked up. I gave friends & family dibs on things, as they have been the first to be there for me. I reconnected with an old friend & I met a new friend. I even got smoked out & a cute little plant in the deal. Every single item that Daughter & I were going to "throw away" will be appreciated by someone else who will use it in some form or another. Every person getting something from us loves me for exactly who I am & as someone always concerned about how I am perceived by people, it was a huge realization that I don't need to be. They love me as I am.

One lady had tried claiming everything; luckily, she was not the first person to contact me because I just got the vibe that she was greedy & I was going by order of contact. When I told her that one specific item wasn't available, she declined the things I set aside for her, which was fine for me; they went to a much better place, one filled with gratitude. This is where I listened to my instincts for once & I'm proud that I still have it in me.

Even though I just wanted everything gone, I wanted to bless others more & not give to someone who didn't necessarily need it. I allowed myself to give things to a few different families instead of just one. I'm so happy to know that I had the means to bless the people I did & it wasn't some big gesture or attention-seeking action. It was me literally wanting to give back to my community in my way. Having gone through many hardships, I have had people give to me when I most needed it. Remembering how grateful & relieved I was, I wanted to provide that same comfort to others.

I'll tell you, it feels really good to give. That day, I changed my own narrative & I gave without spending any money I didn't have.

BTW, the tree won't get put up until this weekend! That was a lot of work!

I'm not posting this to gain credit or recognition, I'm posting this so that all of us, especially myself, can mindfully focus on being more cognizant of giving back to the community in whatever way we're capable of. Giving doesn't have to take away from you or your needs, you just have to make the effort.

🖤💋💨