Rolling Blunts With No Pants On: Confronting the Double Standard of Female Sexuality (Revisited)

Canna Flavor of the Day: Fifty Fold's Snickerdoobie infused preroll

Music Vibes: I Get Off - Halestorm

The double standard of female sexuality is still deeply ingrained in how society talks about sex—men are praised for desire, while women are taught to carry shame for the very same behavior. Men are cheered on and glorified for their sexual escapades, but women are considered dirty & slutty if they enjoy sex. Guys act like a woman’s vag is suddenly “unclean” if they know she’s had a lot of sexual partners. Funny thing is, when it comes to getting laid, most men forget to care. Most men think with the head that has a hard on & who a woman has had sex with is the last thing on that head's mind when they actually are in the moment.

I'm glad to see more men being open-minded and helping change the norm when it comes to their perspective of women. Just because a woman sleeps with you on the first date, it doesn't make her a whore. Just because a woman loves sex doesn't mean she's going want to sleep with you. You don't automatically have to worry about getting an STD from a promiscuous person, but still be safe. Have that conversation because a lot of responsible men & women get regularly checked, even with a single partner.

It's no secret that I'm a sexual person and that I love being with a man in different ways, but recently I have been trying to discontinue unhealthy patterns that I have grown accustomed to and keep the boundaries that I set. (I accidentally became celibate for a lot longer than I planned—or wanted—but it was part of my healing. I started having higher standards for who I let touch me or who I allowed to be around me. I took myself out of situations that made me uncomfortable, instead of staying just to "be nice.")

However, I am still human & yes I have every intention of staying strong & holding out til I find a man on the same page as I am, but a sexy man that you know is good in bed is hard to say no to. So when I was asked to come over by someone I've been trying to distance myself from, I did. Like always, the sex was beyond good. At first, I felt guilty for once again not sticking to my convictions. Then I stopped myself and thought, Why?! I have NO shame in what I did; I enjoyed the time with that person. There's no reason I should feel guilty, aside from the fact that's how society has taught me to feel. Which is crazy to me. Why is it so normal for people to be taught to shame others who are simply living their lives? This is especially apparent in women who are catty or petty for no reason. Like Pink once said when she was asked about another artist's face instead of being interviewed about her work or even her own, "That's not progress."

I've been telling ND way too much TMI about my sex life, but she's my besterestest, & knows exactly what she signed up for. I am normally a private person & I know it's not her favorite thing to talk about the notches on my belt, but I tell her things to hold myself accountable. She has been supportive and understanding. Even though she doesn't always agree with decisions I may make, she will always be there for me with her loving guidance. I appreciate her & her willingness to listen without judgement & that she feels she can disagree with my decision & be honest with me about it.

That's what any good friend would do & a lot of my people are like that. I'm still going to live my life how I choose, make my own decisions, & my people love me anyway because they understand. It's MY life. I do the same for them. At one time, I took certain ways others lived their life personally, and there's no reason to. Their life has nothing to do with me. My part is my part, but they'll live it how they want to. Just like I do.

I have no regrets about falling prey to a sexy beard that's always been hard to resist. However, just like with anything in life, I have to work for my goals. A life partner being one & if I spend time with someone who doesn't want the same thing I do, it's keeping me from finding that life partner. I'm not built like a lot of people. I can't pay attention to more than one person at a time. Quite frankly, I don't want to & I want someone who only wants to pay attention to me. It's been too long since someone has made me a priority or since I've dated a man who knows how to treat a woman.

I’m ready—finally, unapologetically ready.

No, I don't judge those with multiple partners, sometimes I envy them because it would be easier for me to detach my feelings that way, but it's just not me. That’s not to say people with multiple partners don’t have legitimate feelings— I just know that in my own dating life, I like my attention to be on one person only. I hate trying to play multiple different roles; it's tiring. I care a lot about people in my life, so I put a lot of effort into building those relationships. I could spend a lifetime getting to know the right person, and I am still always learning something new about my circle.

I have so many goals in life & I won't get there if I don't set boundaries. I won't get a career in writing if I don't write. I won't travel if I'm not smart with money. I won't find my soul mate if I keep entertaining fuck boys.

Fuck boy—I don’t use this term with disrespect, because just because a man only wants sex doesn't mean he's a POS. Not everybody wants the same thing you do & that's completely fine. It's ok for both men and women to not want commitment & to want sex only, just as much as it is ok for someone to want to be with a sole lover. However, it's not ok to not be fully transparent about your intentions with the other person/people you're talking to.

There was a time when I didn't want commitment, I didn't want feelings or to get hurt again, so I just wanted casual flings. I was a fuckboy. Things change, people change, but my life won't change if I keep acting like one.

Yes, I love sex, but I've got a vibrator or three to keep me somewhat sane. (Sorry for the TMI, Mom & Dad.) I hate being celibate, I'm a touchy person, but the men I encounter don't respect boundaries, & they won't if I don't stick to them myself. Just like I get confused if a guy says one thing & acts differently, I could imagine they would too.

My therapist once told me, "You need to learn to start telling yourself no." I hear her voice in my head on many occasions, & she was right. Reaching your dream life requires hard work, discipline, patience, & determination. We deserve the dream life we have pictured in our heads, but we have to work for it.

If you’re in a season of redefining your boundaries, choosing yourself, or unlearning shame, stick around—there’s more coming.

Keep strong, my loves, & tell me what you'd like to see me write about. Thank you all from the bottom of my black heart for taking the time to read my ponderings. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Beautiful Disaster Lit, so you won't miss what's next. You may not see it, but you are appreciated!

🖤💋💨