Reminders & Downsizing

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Little did I know how much Willow's post, https://www.beautifuldisasterlit.com/post/you-never-know-how-much-s-you-have-until-you-move, would resonate with me, as a few months later, I had an unexpected move planned for me. When I say I downsized, I DOWNSIZED. I went from a small house that Daughter & I called home for over twelve years to an even smaller place to live. As much positivity & hopeful talk as I advocate, I just couldn't. I broke. I had no idea what I would do. Everything was so overwhelming. A move that I had planned for this summer after Daughter graduated, taking our time to go through everything, was rushed & had me scrambling when I thought I had a plan.

That's the thing with life, you can "plan" all you want, down to every single detail, and it will almost never go by the script you have in your head. These life-shattering changes are meant to be; a lot of times, they aren't always as terrible as you would think, especially when you have your tribe at your back. I would not have survived this whole ordeal if it weren't for my people. When I felt defeated & was thinking about giving up, my tribe was my support, holding me up when I couldn't hold myself up.

Little by little, I got shit done. Every time I would look at the work I needed to do, I would think, "I don't have time," or "It's too much," but I buckled down & got shit done while still being mindful of my limits. I shamelessly recruited the help of every willing body in every way I could, whether they physically helped me, gave my dog a place, sat with me & smoked as I went through my stuff, or answered every time I called (and I called a lot!), knowing how fragile I was. I had so many people extend their friendship & support to me that I was able to get out of bed & be productive enough to get everything done before the move-out date. I refuse to be the broken one most times; I refuse to show how much my world is crumbling, except to a select few, but this time, I followed my own advice & I unabashedly reached out to my tribe throughout the month. I knew that I couldn't get through this without help.

As I cleaned out the house and the shed, I thought of how much "stuff" I had that I didn't use or need. I thought about the extra TV I bought because I wanted a TV in my room, but I didn't need it. A TV I ended up selling in the move. That money could have been saved. I went through all of the clothes I didn't wear that someone else could have enjoyed instead of being tucked away in the back of my dresser drawer. The further the move came along, the more I vowed to not only appreciate what I have but not to hoard things I don't want or need. I vowed to be better about keeping our home tidy & keeping up with cleaning it.

All the gratitude in the world would still not be enough to show the people who were there for me how much I really appreciate them and how much their light showed in my darkness. I don't think any of them will ever know the extent of their being there for me. It wasn't just physical, but I needed the friendship, the understanding, and the non-judgment from each one of them because I was already judging myself more than any of them could. We are all our own worst enemy, but I made sure that I knew it.

Moving into the new place, I knew that I was to take little things that reminded me of my people. My reminders that I had to have as I downsized. Those individuals may not be there, but I still have little reminders of their support. Even though the space isn't technically mine & won't ever be, I am making it my space for the time being. I'll be honest: I have no clue what my next step will be, but I know that I will survive whatever it is. Maybe I can't see the reason this all happened right now, but I have faith that in the future, I'll be looking back, knowing exactly why this happened at the time it did.

Remember the faces of those who were there for you at your lowest. Just know that you may go through something life-altering & you may not think that you will get through it, but you will. You will pull through like you always have & then one day, you'll look back at the new foundation that you built with gratitude, love, & a kinder mindset. Be as kind & understanding as you are to others to yourself. YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. You're not a failure because life threw an unanticipated wrench in your mechanics & you will continue to make your life better than yesterday. You've got this!

Huge thank you to everyone in my tribe & those who support me extra on the days that I can't even support myself. Thank you to all of my readers! The blog wouldn't be where it is without you. If you haven't yet, click the subscribe button below.

🖤💋💨