I Can't Live on Funeral Potatoes: Letting Go to Live Well
- Willow Williams
- Jun 13, 2024
- 2 min read
You know how when a close family member dies and everyone is around, comforting each other, taking care of the estate, and making mountains of funeral potatoes (1)? We've all been there. Eventually everyone goes home, though. That's how I feel right now. Everyone has gone home, and I am home alone throwing out leftover funeral potatoes by the bucketful.
So what the fuck now? I wrote in my last article that it is OK to just be OK for a while, and it totally is. But I want myself back. I want to be happy, stable, productive, and whole. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I had that feeling, but for fuck's sake, it's time.
In the article Depression Recovery: An Overview on webMD, this section stood out to me:
If you went through a severe depression, you may be relieved to just feel OK again. You might not be happy, but you're grateful that you can get out of bed and go to work.
But that isn't enough. It isn't enough to just feel less miserable. You deserve to feel well again, to feel as good as you once did. If your current treatment isn't allowing that, then you need to make certain everything is being done to improve symptoms as fully as possible. There are many different ways of treating depression -- therapy, medicines, and lifestyle changes -- that can help.
So don't settle for feeling just OK. You and your health care provider need to work together. With some effort and good treatment, you can feel truly well again. (2)
Goddamnit, that's right. I can't live on funeral potatoes. I deserve to feel truly well, truly whole again. And I've been going to therapy, taking my meds religiously, and tweaking my lifestyle for success. I can life again finally, but I want to life well.
I think the last step is for me to let them go. It's the classic conundrum: wants vs. needs. I need to let them go, but fuck me, I don't want to. I have to though, to come back to myself wholly. So here we go. Letting go to live well.
Fuck.
X, I miss you so much. I miss our long talks about nothing and everything. I miss your touch and whispers, your laugh and your smile. It has been so hard to imagine life without you, but if I don't, I will lose myself, and that's not an option. I am so sorry for my part in all of this. Never in a million years did I want to cause anyone pain, but I did. I was selfish and broken. Please forgive me. I just want you to be well, to have a happy and healthy life. For the love of all that is holy, please don't lose yourself. Keep the obsidian close. Protect yourself with all your might. I love you.
Willow
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