Emotional Evolution: Pro-Activating Your Life

Tomorrow is my "New Year's Day", of sorts. It was on an August 1st sometime in the 20teens that I had an aha moment. I was having a disagreement with my ex, about what, I don't even remember. My ex had a way of always making me feel teeny tiny, like everything was my fault. Narcissists are good at that.

But I had been talking with Friend F who keep saying things like "Next time you have a fight, take yourself out of the moment and just look at it. Literally pull away and look as an outsider, objectively, and you will see where the problem is. Hell, it might even be you, but at least you'll know and can work on fixing it, but I'll bet you'll be surprised at what you see. And the cool thing is, you don't have to take that negativity into yourself. You can just leave it there because it's not yours to begin with. You don't even have to pick it up."

I'm paraphrasing. I don't remember the exact convo, and I'm sure it contained more swearing than that, knowing Friend F as I do. Love you, Friend F!!!

So that little convo went through my head as my ex was ranting about whatever, and that's literally what I did. I pulled myself out of the conversation and looked at it from above. Wow, what a difference a new perspective makes! I saw what he was doing to me, bullying and belittling me because he couldn't admit he made a mistake or was wrong. I looked at my physical self, and my body language said it all. I was slumped over, and on the verge of tears. I looked at him and how worked up he was over something so trivial AND FELT SORRY FOR HIM. That was a surprise. And I looked at us together and could just feel the tension between us, like pulled tendons lit on fire.

This was my first step into finding myself. I just sat there and kept thinking "Huh. I don't have to take his energy. I can just leave it right here." I repeated that over and over. It was a shocking and life changing revelation. I didn't have to take on ANYONE'S negativity. I was free!

So that got me thinking about my identity, because I did not feel like I was that slumped over woman at the desk. It got me thinking about what I wanted to pick up, and what I didn't want to pick up. And how I wanted my life to be instead of how I was being in my life.

That last bit's very important, so I am going to say it again. How do I want my life to be, rather than how do I want to be in my life? Does that make sense? The former is proactive, the latter reactive. I wanted to start pro-activating my life, rather thank reacting to it. I wanted to give that slumpy woman a big hug and tell her everything was going to be ok. I wanted to stand up to the bully and turn the tables on him. I wanted to drop kick all that negativity right out the goddamn window.

So I did, slowly. Little battles with the ex here and there where I was consciously objective, wondering how anyone can live with all that pent up anger and not explode. And there were plenty of times I failed at that too, and just ended up crying on the floor, but it was progress. It took me years to get good at it.

And years to figure out how I wanted my life to be, and who I wanted to be. I went through an emotional evolution of sorts. I know today, more than I ever have in my entire life, who I am, what I want my life to be like, the types of relationships I want and don't want, and most importantly how to look at people, situations, and the chaos of life in general with objectivity, humility (because fuck knows I'm not perfect), and compassion. Life is too short to carry anger, disappointment, impatience, and hate around. And it's sure as fuck too short to worry. What's that saying? Oh hell, I'll just look it up.

Damn Straight

Exactly, Leo, EXACTLY.

All this to say, and because we all need to hear it on the regular, you are an amazing human, ever evolving into a better version of YOU, and how fucking exciting is that!!! And you don't have to pick that ugly up. You can just leave it where whoever vomited it out put it. Let them slip on it, faceplant, and break their nose. It's not yours. Hallelujah!

So what do you want your life to be?

ADDITION: Oh. My. Fuck, Y'all. The universe speaks. You just gotta listen.

On the first day every month, I get up and pull a card from my Dreams of Gaia tarot deck. I use the draw for inspiration and general guidance. Nothing too crazy. Well, I got up this morning, and pulled the EXACT SAME CARD I PULLED ON NEW YEAR'S DAY of this year. I am still in shock. And the card was perfect then, and it is perfect today.

IX of Air/Swords

IX of Air (Swords)

Keywords: self-awareness, universal consciousness, understanding, insight, vision, imagination, fantasy, creativity

Key Phrases:

• open to possibility

• possibilities are endless

• know thyself & know the universe

• what dwells within you dwells within nature

• belief creates

• all that exists was first imagined

• fantasy is the birthplace of reality

• you were born to create

• imagine your fears away

It's gonna be a great August!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

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