Blunts & Vibrators: The Power of Self-Love (Revisited)

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I have a lot of "couple" friends and I love seeing their unique relationships and how they show one another they care. I'm so happy that someone is choosing my friend and choosing to care for them and make them happy. Most days, I don't mind being on the outside looking in, or the "third wheel" because I love that my people have found their someone. I love seeing the little ways that relationship is special to the people involved & sometimes the little things are taken advantage of. Sometimes when you're on the outside looking in, you see the small ways people show one another they care more than those in the actual relationship.

I can't help but wonder when I'll have that person who chooses me and as much as I'd like to think there is that person, I also can't help at times but to focus on what I think my flaws are because I haven't found them yet.

I realize though that even my flaws are beautiful. My friends that are in relationships are loved for who they are flaws and all. I've never loved someone that was flawless & perfect. I don't know anybody who is, so why am I focusing on what I'm lacking just because I'm forever the "single friend?" I love my people in spite of their imperfections and sometimes because they have that quirk that nobody else has. I loved what made them who they are.

I am also loved for who I am. The big beautiful pain in the ass that I can be. I deserve to have someone choose me, but why has it taken me so long to realize that someone needs to be me. I need to love my own imperfections, just as much as I love my assets.

Yes, my weight fluctuates and I get zits and hair in all of the wrong places, but I'm also a giving lover. I am full of sarcasm & sass, but I also hate when people cry and sometimes am a sympathy crier. I stand my ground and also try to see both sides of every situation. Yes, I am sometimes too loud, but other times I'm too quiet. Yes, I am an anxious, depressed Beautiful Disaster, but I love with everything I have and I try to have my people's back. I may be viewed as backstabbing, talking about others behind their backs, but I try to stay neutral when I'm stuck in the middle, trying to find a resolution to a conflict. I am a "fixer" and it's because I love and I care about my people. I observe how other people react to things I say or do, but I am trying to take things less personally. Not everything is about me. I have an attitude that I sometimes can't tame and I shame myself for being human and not being a robot, happy and ok with anything.

I've been loving my people and loving people wrong for me, forgetting to love myself, forgetting to be gracious, kind, and forgiving to myself. It's exhausting to relay every interaction and pick it apart, trying to convince myself I've done or said something wrong, yet again. Some things that I mean to come out as jokes are taken seriously and it turns into an awkward moment where I just wish I stayed silent.

I'm not invited to places because of who I am not. People don't keep in contact with me because of someone I pretend to be. I'm not an actress, I try to be as genuine as possible. People love me for me, flaws and all.

Why is it so hard to love myself?

Why do I look at couples with a yearning heart, wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have that? I have a warped sense of focus and it's about time that I focus on other things.

I have the people that love me and talk me through my anxieties. I have the people that laugh at my stupid jokes and confide in me, knowing their secret is safe with me. I have the people who think of me when they see elephants because they know it's my favorite animal. I don't need a man to show me he cares about me because I have so many people who love me just the way I am. I have friends who cook delicious food for me, knowing I hate cooking, and those whose homes I am always welcome in when I don't feel like being alone.

Yes, sometimes it sucks coming home to an empty house after a long day. Sometimes I think that I have nobody to tell my highs and my lows to. Many times, I think I am a burden because I am going through something and I don't want to overwhelm the people I care about.

The thing is. They care about me. They want me to talk to them, instead of retreating into my dark place of self-loathing and depression. I may sometimes be "too much" even to myself, where I have to give myself a time out, but that doesn't mean I don't have a village that would do anything to make sure I was ok. They would rather me be here than not.

I've overlooked the little things, how people show they care because I'm too focused on how I want to be shown affection. That's not how life is. Nobody is the same and we all have our own ways to show we care. Even though I'm a Goddess, I am not God. I did not create life and just like snowflakes, we are all created in our own unique and beautiful way. We all show love differently and just because I don't have the version of love that I want, it doesn't mean that I don't have a whole tribe of people loving me in their own way.

My challenge to you is to love yourself, love yourself the way your best friend loves you, flaws and all. Be as forgiving with your own mistakes as you are with others.

Thank you! Thank you for reading, supporting, and loving me just the way I am.

🖤💋💨