Eating Unicorn Shaped Mac & Cheese & Drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, Single Parenting At It's Not Always Finest (Revisited)

Flavor of the Day: Grape Ape

So one of my lovely readers gave me some article ideas, so I'll start with what made me the badass Beautiful Disaster Lit I am. I used to be quiet, did what I was told, was afraid people wouldn't like me, & always aimed to please. (Looking back, I am more of a rebel than I was willing to admit, but I always wanted to make people happy or proud.) As clichè as it sounds, what changed it all was my daughter. Now, that I was pregnant, I was that strong, & dedicated woman that I wanted to be. (Daughter, I love you, but this may suck to read.) Although I wouldn't change it for the world, being a single parent is, as Grampy would say, "not for sissies."

From SD (sperm donor) being gone three months & without a job for the first six months, I was pregnant; that was a start to my badassery. (As I look back now, I realize that I was a badass all along, but Daughter is the inspiration behind a lot of my drive.) The ways SD has failed as a father are too many to count & they had previously left me feeling an anger that I am done being trapped in. I had huge examples of who I did NOT want to be when it came to being a parent. I worked til the day I went to labor. Being a pharmacy tech, I remember counting pills while timing my contractions. I went home & 21 hours later, I had the most beautiful 9lb 9 oz fat butt baby. She looked like a tiny sumo wrestler & my first words to her were, "Hi, Beautiful." As my guts were splayed out for everyone to see. (Geez, Dr P...Why couldn't you have taken the fat out while you were digging around in there? Shit.)

SD was inconsistent, selfish, & a liar. He was bad at lying, too. I caught him in many lies, his mom was a druggy that I took care of while I was pregnant & he was gone with no job. Even though I am not the best parent, my daughter was usually #1. I did things that I now look back at & cringe. Leaving her in the car, as I ran into the store quickly, I fed her too little her first month, stuff that NOBODY helped me with. To be entirely fair, I was a teenager who wanted to prove that I was not another one of those teen moms who always went partying and didn't raise her own kid, so I rarely asked for help.

When Daughter was around two years old, I was done after about 3 years of off & on with SD, I was done. Absolutely done with being lied to, not made a priority, & not being able to depend on someone I should have. I was done & I never looked back. What pisses me off, SD still tries to reach out to my family like he did nothing wrong, & THEY ALLOW IT. After all the BS I went through & them not liking him or supporting our relationship at first. Two kids lives he's been mainly inactive in, One he's never met, & they adopt a kid. Wtf? Who allows that??? Yet when I tried adopting my deceased cousin's daughter, it was firey hoops while holding your breath and doing ballerina circles.

So short story long, SD's lack of parenting made me try that much harder, so my daughter wasn't missing out. She still did, unfortunately, but not for lack of trying. I was Mom & Dad. The less he tried, the harder I did. I was a young mom whose friends didn't understand. I didn't want to go out & if I did, I felt guilty because my daughter's SD was a POS. I felt bad for not being with her because he was so absent.

I didn't do much. I didn't have much. We spent a few years in a second-floor, low-income apartment as I tried my hardest to teach her everything she needed in life, starting with teaching her colors with M&M's. I would have to take three trips any time I did my monthly grocery shopping & would lock Daughter in the apartment each trip. I adapted & overcame. I've worked odd jobs & have had to work two jobs at some point. All for trying to be the best mom & providing for my tiny family.

I was in & out of relationships & friendships. I didn't have much going for me except drive. I hadn't always put Daughter first, but she was always with me. The last actual serious relationship I had, about 8 years ago, broke both my & Daughter's hearts. He was the dad she never had. A little girl who had always been such a big daddy's girl was too happy & busy one Christmas that she didn't even want to talk to SD. Because she was HAPPY.

After holding Daughter crying after the end of that tumultuous relationship, I vowed to myself that I would NEVER be the reason her heart is broken again. She hasn't met many homeboys who have been in my life since then. (Homeboys-Ash's booty calls or FWB)

Dating & holding a career while raising a kid on your own is FUCKING HARD but worth it. I am impressed by those who have done it with more than one child. Some things might have been let go that shouldn't have, some things stuck around that shouldn't have. You wanna know what though? Daughter's & my bond now is one I've always wanted. Watching Gilmore Girls in high school, I wanted that. I was never able to talk to my parents (young pregnancy is proof). I couldn't go to them for birth control, I couldn't talk to them about life, and anything I did wasn't ever good enough (honor roll student, no drugs or alcohol, working a part-time job) I didn't want what I went through alone happen to my daughter. Granted, my parents did the best they could & there's really not a parenting handbook & if they had one, it would be constantly changing because everyone is different.

Cutting for me started in middle school. It. was off & on, but it still is an addiction. I didn't want to see my daughter see that, thinking it was okay, so I stopped. I won't lie; it was hard & I, for lack of a better term, relapsed a few times.

I worked harder & harder so that Daughter could be happy & not want for anything. I've not eaten, just so that she has more food, something a lot of parents have gone through, I'm sure. Everything we have, our bond, our home, our life... I did. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I have always felt like I had a gypsy soul, but I had to tame it to be a good parent. Jobs never lasted 3 years, and relationships never lasted 2. We live in the smallest of houses, but it's home. We don't want for much, but between our support system & myself, we are doing good!

The closer I get to Daughter leaving, the more & more I want to do the things I dreamt about. At first, the thought of being completely alone scared me. I've always always wanted to be some type of writer & have a goal of getting all of my poems published. I want to experience all of the places I haven't seen, people I haven't met, & food (of course) that I haven't eaten. I want to have my adventures, hit my bucket list (still too scared to skydive) & experience life & be happy.

So dudes!!!!! We've got 4 FUCKING years for me to get this shit figured out & start making moolah! Help a girl out!

🖤💋💨