To-Don't Lists: A Powerful Tool for Just About Any Situation

Willow Williams
Oct 24, 2024
4 min read

God, I love me a good list! I am a list person! Grocery lists! Bucket lists! Goal lists! Wish lists! All lists, all the time! I would forget to breathe every day if I didn't write it down. That's how attached I am to lists. For me, the act of writing something down solidifies it my memory. Even if I lose the list or scribble out the entry, the fact that I wrote it down at all will help me remember it. It's something to do with connecting my cognition to physical movement, I assume.

And boy fucking howdy, do I love a good to-do list! There's something stupidly satisfying about crossing things off a to-do list, isn't there? I even add things to my to-do list that I've already done just so I can cross it off.

I know I'm not the only OCD person out there violently attached to their lists. There's a safety feature inherent in lists. If I write it down, I won't forget it. So that got me wondering if there's been any study of the psychology of lists, and guess what, yes there has.

#ocdwinning

As always, the good folk at Psychology Today has the subject covered. There are 10 benefits of making lists (1). My translation is in the ( )s.

Externalizing what we need to remember. (This one requires no explanation, I hope!)
Remembering across contexts (Ever forget why you walked into a room? That's because the context of the thought is in the room where you had the thought initially. Lists help retrieve things when you are no longer "in that room".)
Resonating with our serial processing (I always told my kids, "You can only fight one alligator at a time," and that is psychology true. We are at our best doing one thing at a time, and lists are a handy thing for doing so.)
Adding without restructuring (Adding to a list doesn't restructure your whole life, like adding a chapter to a book would. This keeps life's activities simple, and in our chaotic word, that is sorely needed.)
Generating new items (Writing one thing down often triggers another thought you needed to add to the list.)
Concision (List can make complicated things simple. Think of an outline for a novel. It breaks the work of writing the novel into bite-size, digestible pieces, thus making it less intimidating.)
Lending a sense of accomplishment (Oh the satisfaction of crossing that last item off the to-do list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Decision making (Think a pro/con list.)
Breaking habits (Think New Year's Resolutions, a to-don't list.)
Saving time (Another no-brainer.)

Wait, what? What did number nine say? A to-don't list???

Now this is a novel idea! Make a list of things that you don't want to do? Yes please! This sounds so useful in many ways. Let's give it a try.

I have decided to cut back on my drinking (which is true, BTW). So here are a few items from my to-don't list around that goal. 1. I don't drink alone. 2. I don't drink during the week. 3. I don't over-drink. That's a pretty good to-don't list, if I do say so myself!

Now have I done all three of those things because I made a list of them? Of course not! The only one I've done with any semblance of regularity is not drinking alone. Still working on the other two. But does having a list I can refer to when I am tempted in any of those ways a good thing? You bet your biscuits, it is! When I am weak and/or tempted, I have a quick and easy reference that I don't have to look for or create. It's right there, in black and white, in my face, for my reference. It has helped a ton.

Another thing I am working on is not talking down to myself. My self-talk ssssssuuuuuccccckkkkkssssssssssssssssssssssssss… Ash Rae's recent article about treating to yourself like your best friend would treat you really hit home for me. You can read the full article here: https://www.beautifuldisasterlit.com/post/love-yourself-the-way-your-best-friend-loves-you-revisitIt's super amazing.

In the article, Ash talks about how we talk ourselves, and how we need to talk ourselves like our BFF does. We need to be our own BFF. For example, if I am depressed (which happens often, unfortunately), what would my BFF tell me? Would they tell me I'm pathetic for not being able to get out of bed? Of course not! They would come alongside me with words of comfort and worth. Why the FUCK haven't I been doing that that for myself?!

So here's my to-don't self talk list. 1. I don't talk down to myself. 2. I don't over-think. 3. I don't let my mind spin violently out of control with a zillion coulda, woulda, or shouldas. 4. I don't forget my meds. 5. I don't not ask for help. (not feeling worth someone's time and energy is the main reason I don't ask for help more often).

Oh how I wish I referenced my two to-don't lists more often! sigh… But at least I have them! And they are VERY helpful. And I am learning and growing and bettering myself with their help. I will get there. All change, especially big change, takes time. Being gentle with my precious self as I evolve.

This concept of to-don't lists is a powerful tool for just about any situation. Just off the top of my head, here's a list of a few generic to-don'ts I think could benefit us all.