Relationship vs. Companionship: Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life?

So I've started seeing someone.

I know. I know. I know.

I know what you're all thinking. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, Willow?! You just got your heart and soul mangled this spring by someone. They ripped your heart out, stomped it on the ground, and tried to feed it back to you, all bloody and broken in bite-sized bits. Do you want to go through that again? Do you honestly think you're ready for a relationship, because we, your loyal readers who worry about and love you, aren't so sure. We don't want you to get hurt like that again!

Trust me, I'm right there with you. I wasn't planning on this. Not by miles and miles. I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship from my spring situationship hell. It is still very fresh in my mind. I will never let myself get hurt like that again. Ever.

And don't worry. This relationship is not super serious. (Is it???) I'm not even sure it has future potential, but it has wonderful right now vibes. We're only semi-serious and not exclusive. We just like hanging out together. It's nice to wake up next to someone once in a while, to have someone to cuddle now that it's getting colder, and especially someone who is age appropriate. Being roughly the same age, we get each others quirky 80s references, have similar life experience because we lived during the same time, and the same bodily limits. I'm no spring chicken folks! Hahaha!

No other way!

And we also both agree the ancient Egyptians had help from aliens to build the pyramids. Think about it. THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY. Not with the technology they had at the time. Just sayin'.

So this relationship has gotten me thinking about relationships. Go figure.

I feel a lot of relationship issues stem from losing yourself, your separate, unique identity in the other person. There's a Lesbian cliche about this. When two women get together, they cease to be individuals. You won't see one without the other. They will turn down invites they know their partner won't like even though they might love it. And they kinda disappear… You might see them once every couple of months, and that's about it. In other words, Lesbians can be very co-dependent.

And I experienced this in the long-term relationship I was in. I never felt like myself because we were a set that I had to conform to, matching salt and pepper shakers. But damn it, I wanted to be a sugar bowl!

So my current and future partners will have to be alright with my staunch independence, taking no shit, and giving no fucks attitude towards life. I value my independence far too much. I have worked too hard and gone through too much to go back into a relationship where I am anything less than 100% myself.

This, as you might've guessed, is a big turnoff for a lot of people.

I don't understand this. Why would I, or anyone for that matter, want to give themselves up for a romantic relationship? I'm not saying that romantic relationships aren't great or important because they very much are. What I am vehemently opposed to is the conditioning that we've been fed our entire lives that a romantic relationship is what we should want to feel fulfilled and happy. Someone to complete us, make us whole, because we can't do it alone.

Bullshit, we can't.

God, I love the folks at Psychology Today. In an article titled "Do You Need a Partner to Have a Happy Life?", Douglas LaBier Ph.D. writes, " If you’re not living a life that generates happiness and fulfillment to begin with, then being in a relationship in itself won’t change that. It could even make things worse." (1)

Damn straight, Doc LaBier!

Additionally, the good doc Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D. in her Psychology Today article "How to Be With Someone But Still Be Yourself" says, "Losing yourself in a relationship can create anxiety, resentment, and even hopelessness, which can cause you to rebel or express yourself in exaggerated or extreme ways that can threaten the connection." (2) Sound familiar? Sounds WAY too familiar to me.

Now this doesn't mean I don't want to be in a relationship. As I noted earlier, it's nice to be with someone you click with on multiple levels. And maybe this develops into something more "romantic" in the traditional sense. Who knows?!

But maybe our traditional definition of a "romantic relationship" needs an update, because what I am most missing is companionship. Someone to do stuff with on the weekends, complain about my day too, and hold me at night when I'm worn out. Half FWB, half romantic partner, half houseguest, half neighbor, and 100% friend.

Maybe there needs to be a new hybrid relationship termed called "companionshipuation" or "FWBtionship" or "FWBC: Friend with Benefits and Companionship". You know I like to make up new words. One of those will catch on! I kinda like FWBC, like a lot actually! :D

So the key to any relationship, in my humble opinion, is to be in a happy relationship with yourself first and foremost and as the #1 priority. Anyone else that comes along should support you, as is and as you evolve, not try to change you, fit you into a mold, or take you over. And if they try, run away screaming.

Screaming!!!

(1) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/202007/do-you-need-partner-have-happy-life

(2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201308/how-be-someone-still-be-yourself

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