Gemini Soul (Revisited)

Flavor of the Day: Homegrown Purple Punch (I have the greatest friends!)

As I reread this article, I thought two things: You can tell this was before psycho ex & dang, I wasn't as bad as a writer that I thought I was. I was actually pretty good from the beginning! Yes, I've had a long road & a lot of work to get to where I am & I consider myself a better writer now, but some earlier blogs made me wonder wtf I was doing & why didn't anyone stop me?! I am so honored to be 200+ posts in and people are still reading. Thank you. Enjoy. (PS-I'm not 100% sure who this article is about, but if it's the person I'm thinking, I don't even talk to them any longer. Lessons are being learned....by me.)

Bro, I've never ever had a conversation that left me feeling so exposed and mind-blown. Someone read me better than ANYONE, literally anyone, even my people. The closest of the closests and I feel fucking exposed. When someone can just know where your brain is already going and add focus. Dude, I feel so vulnerable that I'm keeping my distance for a bit. That is how fucking mindblown I am, I need some good space and to regain my composure, if I'm around that person again.

"Therapy" sessions that involve smoking with a friend, laughing, and deep conversations. Shit, though. This was almost too fucking deep for me. No fucking joke. This experience just makes me want to be a ghost and run as far away as fast and as far as I can, then go further. Nobody has ever seen me in a light that I've felt so insanely transparent. (I was this closed off at the time & two months later I revealed too much too soon & got a stalker. I'm working on making better decisions.)

This was one friendship that I treasured, but quite honestly, being read with so little effort on my part, it scared me shitless. The thought of anyone knowing this much about my mind and who I am, so naturally is terrifying me to the point of nausea. I have metaphorically screamed in the face of my closests, crying to be seen, to be heard, showing the pain, and it's almost like they don't fucking notice until it's quite literally almost too late. Like a body bag too late. (Hey, this is me guys, raw, unrefined, the Beautiful fucking Disaster Lit that I've always been.) If you can't handle it, I love you, whoever you are, but I'm not changing, or holding back again for anyone. (Ahh, if I only knew how wrong I was. I did in fact hold back & changed everything that I was for another guy. Hey, I think I'm making progress.)

I have noticed that I not only put an insane amount of pressure on myself, I do on my people too. I expect them to be there without me reaching out, I demand that they know when I'm hurting, angry, happy, etc. I keep myself so closed off, and have these high standards that can be impossible, if I don't help people know what they are. It's fucking stressful and I'm trying to fix that, so thank you to those who've felt that pressure, but this fucker just tore down years and years of my wall within a matter of seconds. It was almost like hearing myself talk.

I won't lie, it was a little refreshing to have someone SEE me. As much as the fact brings out a minor panic attack, it was nice. I hate always making choices, I hate always being the strong one, I hate that I can't have someone to turn to, to be strong for me, and I hate that I am to the point of cutting before someone gives a damn. (At least that's how it felt. I know better now.) I absolutely hate that I've put so many people ahead of myself for so long, that I'm lost. Things buried deep inside, that I even forgot about, were brought to the surface at this random encounter.

Guys, if your strong person, the person always reaching out to check on you, or just to have a conversation, make sure you and your family are ok, if this person fades away..... you gotta fucking get your team together and hold on tight. There is a chance that this person is more sad than they let on. Don't fucking let one of your people go to someone else, especially a stranger to be heard and seen.

Don't you dare say "I wish I could have done better" You have the time now. Send that text, have ONE drink, yes one, get the fuck over yourself and have it, even if it's tea. If you allow a person of yours to leave this world without knowing your love, no matter the depth of it, that's on you. 100% on you. Don't be a twat, and don't be lazy, it doesn't take that much effort. Just do it, or when they're gone while remembering the good and the bad, you will also be feeling this tight, almost overwhelming guilt. And why? What's the point of it, when you literally had years to make sure you didn't feel like that when their time was done and make sure they left knowing your love?

Part of me is still so deeply dumbfounded that this person had read my innermost demons, good and bad that I keep hidden in the steel vault, locked behind walls and doors, and more walls. Part of me is hurting because today is the second anniversary of Angie hanging herself. What breaks me even more, is this was not her first time trying to use a rope to end her life. Even more than that, the last time I saw her, I had those steel doors closed tight. She wasn't always an angel, but I stayed guarded when she just wanted to be loved.

I've been a firm believer, that you have to do things to make yourself happy, to be happy. I know, sometimes it just isn't that simple. Suffering through years and years of depression and anxiety, I know firsthand. Sometimes, you just need that extra support from someone else, whoever else. So no, I don't believe that to be in a happy relationship, you have to be happy with yourself. People sometimes get together at the worst possible time and grow together. If it's a team effort, they can grow and be a power couple, even in friendships.

I thought that in my journey of self-discovery, I would start opening myself up to people more, and be less guarded. Fuck that shit! (I'll have you know that I've been actively working on opening up to more people & letting more of the RIGHT people in, almost four years later. Remember to only let in the people who prove they deserve it.) I just couldn't, especially after being so taken aback by my layers just being slowly stripped away until the person I was, was naked, not in the physical sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. Scares the living shit out of me because people are mostly temporary. (Still does.) To be frank, the loss of control is even more unnerving. I didn't expect to have my demons plucked out of the deepest part of me and examined.

So enough fucking rambling on, it's three AM, and I can't focus.

Question time:

Who has unexpectedly made you feel seen or heard? What deepest part of your soul did they reveal and how? What made you reveal yourself to this person? Or was it a mind-blowing, eyes wide, jaw-dropping experience, like mine was, where they just knew? They fucking knew the YOU that's rarely shown to yourself, let alone others. Lastly, when you're down, or you see people down, what do you do to positively help the situation?

Thank you so much for reading my revised article, Gemini Soul! It has been fun rereading & rewriting!

🖤💋💨