Always Make Time For Ice Cream: The Struggle To Find Self-Love (Revisited)

Flavor of the Day: Mama J's GMO flavored bubble hash infused preroll

Music Vibes: Life's About To Get Good-Shania Twain

I've been trying to focus more on myself & living my best life, removing what's not meant for me, building boundaries, & having more self-respect than I have had in a long time. On this journey, I am making meaningful connections with people. (I am also losing/cutting out a lot of people when I refuse to tolerate disrespect.) Whether it's temporary or long-term, I am finding those quality connections in the people around me. I am also battling the struggle to find self-love.

Many of the connections are a beautiful, unexpected surprise. The ladies in my book club are a great example. Each one of them has their own place in my black heart. We are reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, and it talks about having a sense of belonging, making connections with people, & finding your worthiness.

I hate self-help books, I don't find them interesting, but this particular one is kind of hitting where it hurts. I don't know when I lost my sense of worthiness or when I lost my self-respect, and I don't know when I started allowing people to treat me in ways that nobody should be treated, especially by those who claim they care about me. I don't know when I lost sight of who I am or when I became a people pleaser, but I am evolving. I do know that I put up with more things than I should because of my loneliness or boredom.

I am becoming more self-aware & learning that it's ok to be mad at how someone treated you, regardless of the situation that led to it. I am also trying to find different PRODUCTIVE activities to do, whether with people or by myself, because I don't want to live the same toxic pattern. I know how to act and how to put myself first and I haven't in a long time. I am finally starting to treat myself the way I deserve, not begging for anyone's attention but being open to those who do want to genuinely connect.

Additionally, a sense of community & connection is something I am lacking in my life. Through my own life's journey, I'm learning to appreciate the meaningful connections, the ones that give as much as they take. I'm learning to remove myself from my safe comfort zone & putting my best self out there for those connections that I would have missed if I stayed inside my box.

My self-love is probably the toughest journey I've ventured, and it's the most rewarding & uplifting journey yet. However, it's still a struggle, and I still find myself thinking I'm not good enough. I spend too much time with people who don't value my time or who I am as a person.

That's changing.

"Fuck you guys, I'm doing me."

I find this with the book club group. Each and every woman in this group is a beautiful light in a sometimes very dark world for me. I cherish the connections I have with them, and when I get self-conscious about "talking too much" or "being too much," I realize that these women knowingly and lovingly spend time with me & the others because of who we all are. People don't usually spend hours with you unexpectedly, just connecting, if they don't like being around you. I had to tell myself this recently, as an edible hit a little too hard & my self-loathing kept rearing its ugly little head. A friend and I stayed up late, just building a genuine connection & in my mind, there was a war.

"Am I talking too much?" "Is my humor offensive?" "Are they hating this & just being nice?"

I had to keep telling myself, "They wouldn't be here if they didn't want to be." "They wouldn't stay if they didn't want to."

It's true. People don't usually willingly stay in uncomfortable situations that they can easily remove themselves from.

I probably did talk too much & sometimes that's ok. Let your bond with people organically flow. Don't ruin it by second-guessing every word, every action, every thought. Set the phone down & just be in the moment with the people you care about. Show people that you're genuine & authentic. Don't be the person that makes them feel worse or more self-conscious. Don't waste your time with those who make you feel any less than you deserve.

Rejection is hard, but usually, it has more to do with the other person than it does with you & when you're feeling rejected, reach out to those who are falling in love with the person you are just by being yourself. Make room for the people who won't allow you to put yourself down & who will help you during the dark times. Be kind & respectful towards others, as well as yourself. Be the person that people feel good having an interaction with, no matter how fleeting or how long-term that relationship will be.

Take the time to make those meaningful connections & don't waste your precious time on those who don't appreciate you as they should. You are worthy of living and loving your life & you are worthy of keeping the people who provide you with a sense of security & community. You are worthy of being loved the right way. You are worthy of the love that you give others.

Thank you all for supporting and reading. I hope you all discover the self-love that you deserve.

🖤💋💨