Breaking Up is Hard to Do: This Habit Needs to Go

We all have habits. Sometimes they are helpful, like my habit of getting up in the morning and writing. It helps me clear my head and prepare for my day. Sometimes they are neutral, like my habit of counting stairs as I walk up and down them. I live on the third floor, and there are seventeen steps on the first flight and two sets of eight on the second flight, just in case you were wondering. And then we have the bad habits.

Bad habits are hard to kick. Especially when they are engrained in us as a survival mechanism for surviving trauma. I have a habit like that. I will not say what it is, as it doesn't really matter. Just know that it affects my daily life, my livelihood, and the relationships with the people in my life that are important to me.

Breaking up is hard to do, but this habit needs to go. I can't go on hurting myself, mentally and physically. And I sure as fuck can't go on hurting the people I care about the most in the world.

It's science really. My body has adapted to the trauma. Specifically, "With trauma, … , the stress and hormones activated in the brain are stuck in survival and do not restore. The reptilian brain remains primed for threat and keeps the survivor in its reactive state, ultimately effecting other brain structures to react accordingly. When your brain is in constant stress mode, it trickles down and is normalized into the physical body thus normalizing the behavior. And if the brain does not reset, some survivors develop post-traumatic stress disorder." (1)

So it follows then that my habit to deal with the constant trauma has been ingrained in my brain in the same way. It's my learned and now natural reaction to any stressor or threatening behavior. My brain chemistry and synapses have been altered and rewired that this is how I respond to stress and threats.

It doesn't even have to be much stress or a real threat it seems either. And I am quite adept at making up my own stress and threats, thank you very much! For example, I am navigating a new semi-serious relationship. This freaks me the FUCK out because in all honestly, I've never had a real and authentic 'romantic' relationship with anyone in my entire life. So my brain spins and spins, imagining that they will think I'm weird, that I'm not good enough for them and they're just using me, or I might be violated in some way, emotionally or physically. After all, I'm broken and not worth anyone's time. No one would like the 'habit-less' me anyway. She's boring and lame.

And then I thrash myself. I fucking KNOW better. I should be able to handle this, do the right thing. Why am I so stupid? What is wrong with me? No one is ever going to want to stay with me when I'm like this. I am going to drive everyone away and end up alone. Why can't I get over this? What the fuck is my problem? You are smarter and better than this, Willow! Why can't you act like it?

So in comes the habit that makes all that worse. UGH

And all this negative self talk leads to depression, anxiety, and poor decision making. And more of the habit that perpetuates the entire cycle. Fucking GREAT.

So I've decided, again, for the billionth time, this habit has to go. And I will probably fail and decide this habit has to go another billion times. And that's ok. I am trying, and that's important. As long as I'm moving a little more forward and not back further every time, I'm winning.

I have made a list of why changing this habit is a necessary and I read it frequently. This list includes:

• I will feel physically better and my overall health will improve

• I will lose weight

• People will get to know the real me, not the habited me

• I will save money

• I will be more creative in my art and more successful in my business

• If I can do this, I can fucking do anything!

  
  

My self talk also needs to change. Let me give it a whirl. Here's the paragraph from above rewritten:

… imagining that they will think I'm weird, which is great! because being weird is part of who I am. I am quirky and goofy, two great qualities. I AM good enough for them and they will be happy to be with me because I will lift them up and help them become better. And I chose to be with people that are safe and validating. After all, I may be broken, but that doesn't mean I'm worthless. I am worth the time. Everyone is going to love the 'habit-less' me. She's fun and exciting!

Much better!

I also need to get back into therapy. It's been a slog with my insurance, and I've become jaded by the whole billing and business side of it. But that's doesn't mean it's not important. Therapy has helped me in the past. I just need to put on my big girl panties and brave the bureaucracy to find a good therapist again. Wish me luck!

And I just need to chill the fuck out, not over-think and over-analysis everything. Not everything means something. Not everything is significant. Sometimes things just happen and people just do and stay stuff with no clandestine meaning behind it. I know, right?! Weird! And imagine the time I'm going to save by not over-analyzing! That's more time to be creative and work on my business. Woo hoo!

Very most especially, I need to be gentle with myself. This will be a heavy corn syrup slog, a grating process, a seemingly endless journey through the center of the earth and the deepest space while being hunted by monsters, gangsters, rabid lions, and annoying gnats. But I can do this, and I will do this. Channeling my inner Gloria and getting after it. See you on the other side of tomorrow.

I Will Survive

(1) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-body/201910/when-trauma-gets-stuck-in-the-body

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