Blended Family Blues? Here’s Why It’s All Worth It in the End: Featuring Guest Writer, Andi Goodman

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Disclaimer: I’m not a professional. These are merely my experiences, and I hope that some of my learning experiences can help others.

For context: My husband and I are going on 12 years together total, 7 of those married. Other than the fur kids, we don’t have any biological children together.

As a teenager, I remember telling my friends I didn’t want kids. Even as I grew into an adult, I didn’t want kids. I was the “good kid”, I didn’t party, didn’t do drugs, and wasn’t sleeping around. When I met my (now) ex-husband, I wasn’t looking to start a family, hell, I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. It just sort of happened. We dated for several years before I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant in January 2009. My son was born in August of the same year. He was about 3 when I decided to leave my ex-husband. As a young mom, the last thing I wanted or expected was to be on my own with my son. I may not have wanted kids, but I took ownership and moved forward.

What I didn’t expect even more was that I’d find someone I clicked with who also had kids almost immediately.

Again, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. And I definitely wasn’t looking for more kids. One crazy three-year-old was plenty for me. I didn’t need any more; I didn’t want any more. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’d later figure out just how much I needed those kids. How much they mean to me. How much I love them.

I didn’t know how hard being a blended family would be. I was completely clueless. It’s fucking hard! But it’s so, so worth it in the end. In the hard times, I would wish I had someone I could talk to, someone who could offer advice, someone who knew what it was like to go from having one toddler to having four (4) kids total. I just needed someone to tell me that it would be OK…. eventually.

Here are some of the things I wish someone would’ve told me:

• Have hard conversations up front. Know how you and your partner want to handle each other’s children and set boundaries and clear expectations to handle different situations. You can’t cover everything up front, and it is absolutely OK to take that step back in real time and have a discussion with your partner before taking action. For us, we simply agreed that we wouldn’t real time treat each other’s children any differently than our own.

  
  

• Your kids are going to fight. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it. They will fight. It could get ugly. But it needs to happen! Blood siblings don’t get along 100% of the time, either. My husband’s youngest son and my son are really close in age (8mos apart). That made things really easy….. at first. They got along great and played well when they were little. It didn’t take long for them to start arguing, fighting over who got to do what and when. They even had a full physical punching match and wound up with black eyes. I’m not saying physical fights are OK, but they do need to learn how to communicate with each other, and this is just part of the process. Guess what? They may not be best friends now; they’re each their own person, but they get along 98% of the time. That’s a win in my book.

  
  

• Take time for yourself. Self-care is a real thing, and it’s extremely important! Ladies, go get that mani/pedi or get your hair done. Gents, go play some golf or go out for a drink with your buddies. It doesn’t matter what you do, just take some time away occasionally. It can be once a week or once a month. Just do it! It allows you to gather your thoughts and prepare yourself mentally for the next “round” of whatever life throws your way.

• Date your spouse/partner. It’s OK to leave the kids home with grandma for a few hours while you go out and enjoy some adult time away from the kids. If money’s tight, ship them to Grandma's and drag your mattress into the living room for a relaxing movie night in. Clothes optional! Trust me, you’ll need this more than you realize. It’s hard, at first, to trust your kids together without you there, but they need it, too.

• Spend time with the kids together. Make sure to include them all. Take the kids to the zoo, or go fishing, or play at the park. Whatever you decide to do, just do it together. This makes everyone feel included and like no one is more special than the others. Some of the best nights we had as a family – together – were when we played Halo on the Xbox or took turns choosing songs on YouTube.

• Likewise, spend time with your own kid(s) too. They didn’t choose the life of separation from their other/biological parent. That was your choice, and they are simply stuck in the middle. You don’t need to buy them lavish gifts to show you still care. Find a show you can watch together on Netflix or play a few rounds of Mario Kart together. They need your time and attention, probably more than they did before. They need to believe that everything will be OK, despite the changes in your relationship.

When people ask you how many kids you have, how do you answer them? At first, I would break it down and tell people I had 1 of my own and 3 step kids. But as we grew closer and became a family, that somehow changed. Now, I usually get some surprised looks when I tell people I have 4 kids and that the oldest is 23. But I count them all as my kids. I don’t even second-guess it anymore.

Nearly 12 years in, my relationships (both with my spouse and the kids) haven’t always been sunshine and daisies, but I promise you, the grass is greener where you water it. I’m proud to say that out of my 4 kiddos, 2 (oldest stepkids) have graduated high school, and one even graduated from culinary school! They have grown into some amazing young adults, and I’m truly proud to have been part of their upbringing. We still hang out and talk, maybe not as much now that they’re truly turning into adults and moving on with their lives, living on their own, doing adult things, but they know they can call me if/when they need anything, and I will always be there for them.

Yes, starting and maintaining a blended family is hard work & keeping the peace can be difficult, but in the end, you discover why it's all worth it.